Big XII Farewell Final Episode: Nebraska

Oh sweet baby Buddha, my fingers have been itching to type this missive.  Let us begin.

Friday will mark the final meeting between CU and the much hated Cornhuskers of Nebraska.

The two schools began competing with one another in football in the year of our lord 1898.  NU leads the all-time series 48-18-2.

Throw out the record books, y'all.  It all comes down to Friday.

Nearly all of my highest highs of Buff football and have come against the Fuskers.  So too have my lowest lows.

Nebraska, the emotion of playing you on an annual basis will never, ever, ever be replaced.  But that said, I will NOT miss you.

I despise you with every fiber of my being.

You are a shitty school.  Nothing more than a low class football factory.

Pelini, Frost, Steinkuhler (elder and younger),  Peter, Phillips, Crouch and Osborne - wankers all.  Especially Osborne.

Your steroid tainted and weak non-conference opponent padded records should shame your fans and alums.  Instead they collectively whistle past those graveyards.

[Do this:  Google "Steroids Nebraska".  If 20 of us do it simultaneously we'll melt Google's data centers.]

Your self-declared "classiest fans in America" are an overweight, polyester-clad, delusional army of fuckwits.  As a whole, the ugliest cult on earth.

As you leave the Big XII, notice that no one is sorry to see you go.  Also notice that no Big 10 partisans are exactly leaping with joy at the prospect of you marching your stinking army of condescending asshats through their otherwise respectable stadiums.

The Big 8 and Big XII tolerated your academic admissions leniency for athletes.  So too the manner in which you "tutored" your scholar athletes.  I predict the Big 10 will not be so generous lest you ruin their academic credibility.  Goodbye throngs of Nebraska "Academic All-Americans".  What a grand charade that has been.

So how best to bid a long overdue adieu to my ancient arch nemesis?

How about a song?  Lyrics are to the tune of the White Stripes "Seven Nation Army":

I'm gonna fight "N" off

A seven nation army couldn't hold me back

They've always pissed me off

Taking their steroids right behind my back

And I'm talking to myself this time

Because I can't forget

Back and forth through my mind

Like a triple threat

And the message coming from my eyes

Says beat "N" at home!

Don't want to hear about it

Every single one's got a story to tell

Everyone knows about it

From the NCAA to the hounds of hell

And if I catch you coming back my way

I'm gonna serve it to you

And that aint what you want to hear

But thats what I'll do

And the feeling coming from my bones

Says sack "N" at home!

I'm going to Pac 12 yon

Far from this opera for evermore

But before I'm gone

I'll rip the heart out of every Corn

Oh you're bleeding, and you're bleeding, and you're bleeding

Right before Osborne

All your sins are gonna bleed from me

And I will sing no more

And the stains coming from your blood

Tell me beat "N" at home!

I wish you pain and suffering forevermore.

"Hey diddle, diddle, we're coming up the middle!"  62-36 forever.

Big XII Farewell #7: Kansas State

Saturday will mark the final meeting of long-time conference foes, CU and Kansas State.

CU and KSU first met on the gridiron in 1912.  The Buffs lead the all-time series 44-20-1.

K-State you will NOT be missed.

Why do I dislike Kansas State.  Oh, I have my reasons.  And I've ranted on about them many times before (here and here for example).

First and foremost, the school is a joke.  K-State makes CSU look like frickin' MIT.  I guarantee you this - you have never met a person in your entire life who could not be admitted to KSU.  I imagine the K-State admissions office banter sounds a bit like this: "Moron?  Come on in.  Miscreant?  Happy to have you.  Felon?  Bygones.  Satan?  Any friend of Bill Snyder's is a friend ouf ours!"

Second, KSU's success over the past 15 years, while impressive, is super suspicious.  I mean this is a school of meager means, comes from a geography with a limited athletic talent pool, and had been the losingest program in the history of Division I college football.  Yet suddenly, overnight they start winning 9 to 10 games a season.  Yes, Bill Snyder is a very good coach and, yes, they can get athletes into their school (as previously noted) that others cannot.  But even still, it does not add up.  Years from now scientists will discover that we were all unwittingly drugged or otherwise duped throughout the 90s and Oughts.  They'll find that Bill Snyder has the power to bend time and space like a sci-fi movie where all the characters suddenly freeze in suspended animation while the villain walks around their still, mid-stride bodies and unties their shoe laces or punches them in the yarbles.  Then suddenly time begins again and - "Holy shit, what just happend?  We lost to K-State?  Ow, my balls!"

Third, Kansas State has the worst mascot.  The logo itself is an affront to good taste and is the apparent consequence of the sudden unemployment of USFL helmet designers.  And the live mascot is, come on, nothing but a regular guy with a giant stuffed head.  K-State mascot costume designer, you put a whole 2 minutes of thought into this thing (yet were probably the valedictorian of you class).  Finally, this ridiculous mascot makes ridiculouser videos.  Behold:



Fourth, Bill Snyder is clearly a vampire.  He has gray, translucent skin.  He is clearly very old, yet never ages.  Six years ago he dropped out of sight for 4 years then he suddenly, mysteriously reappeared in a puff of smoke and resumed his post on the sidelines of K-State - and nobody blinked an eye!  He has special, creepy, evil and confounding powers and he must be stopped - yet can't be stopped.  For he is fated to walk the earth for all time, feeding on the blood of junior college transfers and weak, non-conference opponents.  Fear him!

Snyder seen here sinking his fangs into Mack Brown's unsuspecting neck.

I could go on about my disdain for KSU.  But I shan't.

So, what will happen in this final chapter of the CU-KSU story?

Well the ISU game was best of season for CU - maybe the best of last 2-3 seasons.  Can the Buffs maintain the Cabral momentum?  Saturday will be a very special Senior Day at Folsom Field honoring the likes of Scotty McKnight, Nate Solder, Jimmy Smith, BJ Beattie and Cody Hawkins.  The Buffs will be jacked and absolutely light it up the Wildcats!  The forces of good will at last overcome the evil of K-State and send them back to Hell with a devastating loss.  Either that or we'll all suddenly be looking around screaming, "Ow, my balls!"

So bye-bye, KSU.  We will not miss you and your embarrassment of an institution.  When the Big XII self-destructs in exactly two years, you will almost certainly wind up in Conference USA and you (like CU in the Pac 12) will be home at last.  That said, you will dominate your crappy, mid-major conference as Boise State does the WAC.  And Bill Snyder's evil plan to win a national championship will at last be realized.  Sweet baby Buddha, save our mortal souls.

Big XII Farewell #6: Iowa State

Colorado and Iowa State will meet for the final time this Saturday in Boulder. CU & ISU first played in 1946. The Buffs lead the all-time series 48-15-1.

Iowa State, you will be missed.

As long as I can remember, you were an underdog. But a noble, scrappy, feisty underdog. A couple of times a season you could count on the 'Clones to upset someone. They played hard and the played well even if they were under-sized and under-resourced.

But, oh dear god, the uniforms. The combination of fire engine red and bright yellow is utterly ghastly and inevitable evokes references to Ronald McDonald. The only thing missing is oversized clown shoes.

And the mascot. What the hell is that all about? The name is Cyclones but the logo is a giant, angry tornado chicken. Scary? I guess.

ISU is a good University. I misspoke when I wrote previously that, of the original Big 8 schools, only Colorado and KU possessed academic legitimacy. ISU is actually a good school with a fine Engineering department. ISU, I respect you.

My most painful memory of ISU was 2007 at Ames when a certain referee of Nebraskan pedigree nullified not one but two last second field goals thereby sending the Buffs to a bitter and undeserved defeat. I don't hold accountable ISU for this injustice but its memory will forever boil in my blood. Damn you, Clete Blakeman! [shakes fist]

So lo and behold, in this final year of the Big XII ISU is a legitimately good football team having beaten Texas and Texas Tech and come within a ballsy 2 point conversion of toppling Nebraska in OT.

And meeting that improved 'Clone team in Boulder this weekend is a down on their luck Buff team who just fired their head coach. They are winless in their final season of the Big XII and searching for redemption. Can they find it in this final match with our old friends, the Tornado Chickens?

Yes, hell yes! The Buffs will rise from the ashes of the Hawkins administration and strike a blow to the 'Clones on a crisp fall day. And the win will announce the beginning of a resurgence of Buff football. A hearty farewell to ISU and their midwest neighbors and a shot across the bow of the of the Pac 12. Victory, yes, VICTORY will at last be ours!

But Iowa State, you scrappy old friend, we will miss you. We wish you well. But realistically when the Big XII finally disintegrates in two years, you will almost certainly not land in a BCS conference. But, hey, the Mountain West ain't bad. I advise you to jump all over that with every ounce of gusto your Tornado Chicken selves can muster.

Goodbye 'Clones. Safe travels.

End of Hawk Love

Our long national nightmare is over.

Do not celebrate because failure is tragedy. Buff fans should be happy to be moving on to a new day. But pause to take stock of what we witnessed. The transformation of a goofy, giddy, youthful, highly successful Dan Hawkins five years ago into the sullen, sober, beaten Dan Hawkins who left office today. Yet note that he left in a respectful, supportive manner without a hint of spite or anger.

The truth is, the Peter Principle is real and Dan Hawkins just demonstrated it in textbook fashion. So dampen your vitriol aimed at old Dan and be ever humble for there but by the grace of God go us all.

That said, I am ever so relieved to close the Hawkins chapter. I wanted it to work but it became obvious some time ago (November 4, 2009, to be exact) that Dan's administration would just never become unmired in mediocrity. I believe he gave it everything he had, but he was just never cut out for the job.

So now we move on. The truly great Buff Brian Cabral will, yet again, serve as interim head coach through the end of the season. The players love and respect him so, who knows, this team may truly rally.

Now, who should be the next permanent head coach?

Stop right there - I am honored by your confidence in me but I simply cannot accept your offer to coach this team. As much as I'd love to, I've got my hands super full already.

Stay tuned for plenty of coaching rumors in the coming days and weeks. I certainly have my favorites and those will be revealed in due time.

But for today, thank Dan for trying hard. And simply close the chapter. Tomorrow a new one begins.

Good night, sweet prince. I'll always remember you with this haircut.

Big XII Farewell #4: Kansas

This Saturday in Lawrence, Kansas, KU and CU will meet for the last time. CU leads the all time series (which began in 1903) 42-24-3.

Jayhawks, you will be missed.

You are and always have been a basketball school. A very good basketball school. And a usually lousy football school with brief periods of competency. I will remember you as the alma mater of Gale Sayers, John Riggins and Dana Stubblefield. I will remember you as the team against which I could almost always count on a victory for much of my youth and young adulthood.

I always thought of KU as the only academic peer of Colorado in the Big 8. In a sea of thinly veiled football factories, CU and KU seemed to be the islands of academic credibility. And in the days of the Big XII, we've remained those islands with the possible addition of Texas. I respect you, KU.

I'll choose not to remember you as the team that became suddenly good and simultaneously suddenly unlikeable during the tenure of Mark Mangino.

But Mangino has now been thankfully discarded and KU has a surprisingly likable coach. The surprising part of the likeablility is that the coach in question is none other than Turner Gill, former Husker great. Turner is one of exactly two Nebraska players who I can honestly say that I admire and respect. Sadly though, the commencement of his tenure at KU has gone very badly indeed. KU has the distinction of currently being the one Big XII team that is obviously worse (?) than CU. Give Gill time, KU will improve. They'll likely never contend for a conference championship but they will requite themselves well and do so with dignity and entertain the denizens of Lawrence until the annual sweet release of basketball season.

So farewell, old friend and colleague. I will miss you. And when the Big XII inevitably augers in in two years time, I hope that you will find a good home in a good conference. Safe travels 'Hawks.