Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Make Welcome to Glorious Nation of West Virginiastan

(This week's guest blogger is Krygstor Zultkmzknyzsy, chancellor of the University of West Virginiastan)


Greetings to you our honored guest of Buffalo Colorado team of football.

We are please to make your visit to our country, Glorious Nation of West Virginiastan. Our motto "The 3rd world, here in America". So happy are we to be move up from 4th world - that was real shit place, no? Ha, ha ha ha!

Not often that the people of many United States come to visit Glorious West Virginiastan. Because mostly they do not know where are we. Also because we burn and eat them. (long pause) I make joke! Ha ha ha ha. After big rain of summer we no have fire to them burn... (trails off wistfully)

So come, come. Sit and I will teach of customs of my country. Please enjoy this traditional drink of make friendship. We call it "moonshinesktrzyg". With this we celebrate many occasions of things important - like game of football! Also weddings and stealing of goat. Drink friends, to West Virginiastan and new friends Buffalo Colorados, Drink!

(Everyone raises glass, drinks, then guests all spew the liquid into the air, choking and gagging. Krygstor smacks his lips and gazes approvingly at his empty glass.)

Yes, the moonshinesktrzyg is fresh just today from second best mule in town. Still warm too.

I will now tell you of my country for you to know better. We have many beautiful mountains which since big rain of summer no longer have burning... (trails off wistfully) Too we have much literacy and intelligent peoples - much better than those dipshits in Nebraskastan, no? Ha, ha, ha ha! Our main product of export is the, err, supplement so good - you know it as "Meth". We know it as "make sexy, fun, happy vitamin."

Our fine very University is of what we are most proud. It here is where our most promising youths learn skill and make party. Many students learn practice of chemistry in make the "vitamin" for export. Also bombs. We too train on career of make sexy time for money - you call it prostitution - very profitable for the young people. But most important we make the team football.

Here football is sacred activity. We make teams to have great battles with many schools of United States. Our players are heaped with much moonshinesktrzyg and prostitutes. But it is mostly special "vitamin" that makes them run so fast and hit so hard to make the bleeding. And the always gunfire.


So again, much welcome new friends Buffaloes. Now onto the grassy place for make football game and much pain!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Profiles in Bad-assery: BJ Beatty


In this week's edition of "Profiles" we will review Linebacker BJ Beatty's performance in the Wyoming game.

Before specifically mentioning the Wyo campaign and BJ's role in it, let us set some context.

First, for the uninitiated, let's review the noble role of the Linebacker. While Defensive Linemen exist to stuff the running lanes and Defensive Backs exist to defend the passing options, Linebackers exist primarily for the purpose of knocking the ever loving puddin' out the poor bastard who happens to be holding the football. As a coach once explained to me, the "raison d'ĂȘtre" of the humble linebacker is to get to the ball in a hurry and arrive in a bad mood.

The second piece of context is to consider what the CU defense experienced in the two games prior to Wyoming - namely, shameful defeat. First, defeat to the cross state rival with a first time starting quarterback and second, a 58 (58!) point explosion by Toledo (Toledo!). Both on national television. To Linebacker types who are raised to inflict pain on others, public spankings at the hands chumps do not sit well.

The third piece of context to understand is BJ's heritage. BJ hails from the great stat of Hawaii - obvious hotbed of Polynesian football prowess. BJ is half howley, the son of a former BYU linebacker, Byron Beatty, and cousin to former Buff All-American lineman and all around bad-ass, Chris Naeole. So the gridiron bloodlines and Islander pride runs deep through the veins of BJ. Also, BJ has long, curly red hair. Much like a "boy named Sue", growing up looking like that was bound to make BJ tough - like a violently insane Bozo the Clown. Good luck with that nightmare.

So back to BJ Beatty and the Wyoming performance. It is now easy to understand how BJ was feeling entering this game - the name of that feeling is pure, primal rage. But rather than allowing that rage to drive him to depression or simple insanity, BJ decided to channel that rage. And channel it he did - right through the sternums of the poor Wyoming quarterbacks and tailbacks! BJ's body became a vessel of violence and pain for those in white jerseys and helmets. His shoulder pads were named "anger" and "justice" and his silver helmet was named "redemption". To the Wyoming Cowboys, BJ became the embodiment of Samuel L Jackson in Pulp Fiction - only with long curly red hair, so way scarier:


And lay down his vengeance upon them he did. BJ's results were not unlike those of Samuel's in that classic scene. Blood spattered about the place and BJ and his mates standing over the fallen Cowboys in triumph and freshly released anger. That's ZERO points for you, vanquished opponent.

Will this new found fire of BJ and his brethren carry forward for the remainder of the season? We can only wait and watch. But let us bask for a few more moments in the shutout that was pitched in Folsom on Saturday. And salute a Linebacker who for one spectacular September afternoon self-realized in a perfect and vicious manner befitting the profession to which he was born. Respect, my brother. Respect.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Chez Hawkins

(Scene: A lovely restaurant in the finest Boulder location. A hair-gelled mater dei stands smiling as you enter.)

Mater Dei Dan: Hello, and welcome to Chez Hawk - finest dining experience you'll ever have, guaranteed. I'm Dan and I'll be your host.

Female patron: Wow, "guaranteed" quite a claim! The place really is lovely, I can't wait to get started.

Mater Dei Dan: Now please step this way, I have a charming little table for the two of you.

(Dan leads the well coiffed couple to a lovely table with a view of the Flatirons. Soft music plays, cool air blows in through the window. Seemingly the perfect night.)

Mater Dei Dan: Madame, messieur - please sit. Allow me to tell you about our specials this evening. We have a fire-roasted rack of lamb with a red wine reduction accompanied by local new potatoes. Also we are featuring a baked Mud Hen, cooked in its own juices, flavored with lemon and surrounded by root vegetables and served in a Glass Bowl.

Patron Couple: (in unison) Sounds amazing!

Mater Dei Dan: Your server will be right with you.

Male patron: You know I came to this restaurant last year and it wasn't that good. Looks like they've got it together this year, though. Could be the top restaurant in this region!

Busboy: Allow me to fill your glasses with this fine sparkling water. (opens bottle, sprays female patron in the face.) Terribly sorry, that sometimes happens. (nonchalantly shuffles off).

Patron couple: (Gasp in surprise, then shrug and laugh it off)

Waiter: Good evening folks, can I get you started with some appetizers...

(Cut to two hours later. Patron Couple, enraged and in shambles, stumble to the mater dei stand)

Mater Dei Dan: Folks I hope you enjoyed you evening with us. I trust everything was satisfactory?

Male Patron: (shouting) SATISFACTORY!? WHY I'VE NEVER HAD A WORSE DINING EXPERIENCE IN MY LIFE! WE HAD WATER SPILLED ON US, THE BREAD WAS MOLDY, THE CHEESE WAS RANCID, THE MEAT WAS GANGEROUS, THE SILVERWARE WAS DIRTY, THE WINE WAS ALMOST CERTAIN HALF CAT URINE, THE BUSBOY SET MY TIE ON FIRE, MY WIFE'S ENTREE WAS COVERED IN BROKEN GLASS AND THE SALAD CONTAINED WHAT APPEARED TO BE A CAT TURD! WE COULD HEAR SCREAMS OF UTTER ANGUISH COMING FROM THE KITCHEN, WHICH WAS OBVIOUSLY EXPERIENCING A FIVE ALARM FIRE! AND THE TOILET IN THE RESTROOM WAS BACKING UP WITH RAW SEWAGE WHICH RAN ACROSS THE FLOOR AND RIGHT UNDER OUR TABLE! THIS IS A TRAVESTY, YOU PEOPLE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE DOING!

Mater Dei Dan: Yes, well things didn't go exactly as planned. No need to get upset. We'll do better next time. Just have to focus on the little things. (shrugs innocently)

Patron Couple: (Stares at Mater Dei Dan in stunned disbelief and barely contained rage.)

Mater Dei Dan: (Looking back in calm, almost bored dispassion.) Be sure to join us next week. Our special will be grass fed Wyoming Cowboy skirt steak. The best you've ever had, guaranteed. Now, how will you be paying this evening?

(end scene)

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Freaky Friday

The good news is the Buffs don't have long to stew about the terrible performance against the Lambs.

Nope, after the Sunday night debacle CU scurries off to Toledo (wait, what?) for a Friday night tilt against the ... uhh... Mud Hens? I think it's the Mud Hens. No?

Ah, here it is - the Toledo Rockettes. Sounds sexy! What? Oh.. the Rockets. Toldeo Rockets. Hmm.

So, anyway, the Buffs play on a Friday (really?) against the Toledo Rockets (seriously?) in Toledo (Ohio?) in a stadium called (wait for it)... The Glass Bowl.

The. GLASS. BOWL.

(Dan Hawkins bong joke goes here.)

So in this alternate universe in which we are obviously living, the reeling Buffs will play a team that scored 31 points and threw for 423 yards against a respectable Big Ten opponent in the opening week. It was Purdue, but still. Also, Toledo beat Michigan last year. Stop laughing.

So Toledo is a dangerous team. The Buffs must rebound strongly from the emotional bruising received last week. A loss at Toledo would be devastating. The abyss lies beyond. But a strong win over the Rockettes (wink) could be the salve that heals the wounds and gets this team back on track.

Tune in Friday evening for the action at the Glass Bowl (titter) and a season defining moment.

GO BUFFS!

Monday, September 07, 2009

Wait, what?

Wha?

What in the name of Buddha just happened? Where... where was the powerful offensive line and prolific rushing attack? How did CSU (CSU!) muster a deep passing attack against our D chock full of future NFL defensive backs? And who, who calls a long left sweep on 4th and inches?

If you're like me, your head is spinning and you consult a higher power on what to do now...


The other thing Bluto taught me: to be humble in victory and magnanimous in defeat. And it is in that spirit that I congratulate Steve Fairchild and the CSU football team who absolutely out-played and out-coached my Buffaloes. Respect, gentlemen, respect.

Sadly, however, Bluto's second law will certainly not be followed by the CSU fans. No, if history has taught me anything it's that those fuckwits will be insufferable pricks for the next 364 days.

But keep a stiff upper lip, Buff alums. Turn the other cheek and take solace in having attended a a superior university which has featured:
  • 6 Nobel laureates
  • 1 Supreme Court Justice
  • 17 astronauts
  • various Tony/Emmy/Oscar winners
  • 1 Heisman Trophy winner
  • and 1 National Championship in Football

Yes friends, let these accomplishments sustain you through these dark days. Don't be afraid to enumerate these tidbits to your CSU friends.
"These are facts that comfort me in the wake of a humiliating lose. Tell me something, Rammie. When you lose, as you so often do, what comforts you?"
Enjoy the ensuing silence.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

The Fortbillies

Greetings, and welcome to 2009. The Buffs will open the campaign once again versus the Rammies of Colorado A&M. Steve Fairchild begins his second season in Fort Fun with a new quarterback and essentially an all new D.

Meanwhile, Dan Hawkins kicks off his fourth year in Boulder with something to prove. Leading the proving will be a talented and huge offensive line featuring multiple NFL bound uglies. Standing behind that line is a collection of talented running backs preparing to do unspeakable things to the CSU defense. We don't have any idea who the starting QB will be and, so says I, it does not matter. The QB needs to make good decisions this year, not carry the team. Cody Hawkins, Tyler Hansen or some combination thereof will be more than serviceable. Concerns remain about depth and talent at WR (still?) but together with the TEs, they'll keep defenses honest. Make no mistake, this is a running offense.

Meanwhile, the Buff defense will be good, quite good. We have an embarrassment of riches at both LB and CB. Defensive Line has talent but nearly all of it is unproven. If the DL pups can step up, this unit may be the best we've had in 6-7 years.

Sadly, the special teams will probably suck. Except for punting where Darrell Scott (!) will rotate with Matt DiLallo. Fake!

This year's Rocky Mountain Showdown will be held in Boulder. Wishing to be hospitable to our agrarian guests, I decided to write a song. I don't know exactly what kind of music the gomers listen to up there in Fort Collins but I'll bet it features banjos, washboards and a jug. So behold, my first (and last) country song. Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies. Ahem...

Come & listen to a story 'bout a man named Steve
Poor WAC head coach, blew his nose on his sleeve
Wanted some respect so he took on the Buffs
But old Dan Hawkins he called his bluffs

Well the next thing you know the Rams are at Folsom Field
CSU players ask, "What will this trip yield?"
Dan Hawkins said, "Boys, welcome to my house."
"We'll to treat you real kind so don't you grouse."

Dan went on to say, "Y'all I am a Zen Master"
I been recruitin' players who are bigger and faster
I'm known to smoke weed and wear a toga
And you know that everyday my players do yoga

(true)

See yoga is the route to true inner calm
Always wear sunscreen and use lip balm
I drop non sequiturs like they're goin' out of style
A quirky stoner trait that makes folks smile

Now if you don't mind, let's play some ball
Let's flip the coin, Steve you make the call
Heads you win, you get the ball first
Here's some herbal tea, it'll quench your thirst

Rams take the field and have the rock
Rookie QB hopes these dolts can block
First play from scrimmage, Jimmy Smith pick six!
Heads are spinnin', those Aggies from the sticks

Things for the Rams, they don't get better
Steve Fairchild's pants they're just getting wetter
Trot on the field, the mammoth Buff o-line
Students in the stands are smoking da 'kine

First, D Sumler makes a 20 yard gain
CSU's defense appears to be in pain
Hicks, don't look now 'cause here's Darrell Scott
Goin' off tackle on a 50 yard trot

Touchdown!

Well that's how it goes, the game is a romp
Rocky Mountain Showdown is nothin' but a stomp
What's that on their bench - is it a vulture?
Feasting on a student of the school of agriculture

Well thanks now cousins, we'll see you next year
We think your mascot is a tad bit queer
But here in Boulder we value diversity
So you can be our friend but you can't go to our University