Better know a conference foe: Utah

Happy Thanksgiving and welcome to the final edition of the award winning Better Know series of late night, exhaustion addled blog posts.  In this entry we'll meet our fellow Pac-12 rookie, the University of Utah.

U of U Wikipedia facts!

• Nobel Laureates: 2 (CU has 8)
• Astronauts: 1 (CU has 18)
• Football National Championships: 0 (CU has 1)
• Heisman Trophies: 0 (CU has 1)
• Skiing National Championships: 10 [nods approvingly] (CU has 17)
• Famous Alums:  Jim Clark (founder of Silicon Graphics and Netscape), Nolan Bushnell (founder of Atari AND Chuck E. Cheese), Ed Catmull (founder of Pixar), J. Willard Marriott (founder of, you guessed it, Marriott Hotels), Gordon Gee, Ted Bundy (law student, serial killer), Karl Rove (serial asshole), Wilbert Gore (inventor of GoreTex), Simon Ramo (the father of the Intercontinental Ballistic Missile, also the "R" in TRW one time employer of the Buffalover)

Jim Clark married a supermodel 40 years his junior.  "Did I mention I'm wealthy?"

"Say what you want about my sweater.   I invented Pong, bitches."

Gee.  This dude turns up freaking everywhere.

UW undergrad, UU Law School.  Bundy is just a Pac-12 guy.

Does he look like he's telling the truth?  Because he's not.

Utah is a program that we really must get to know better since they are our new conference "travel partner" which is a term that sort of sounds like a 1980s code word for same-sex life partner but which actually means a manufactured rival.  You see, when the Pac-10 expanded Larry Scott looked at CU and U of U and said, "You two are both in the mountain time zone and like snow.  You must really want to beat each other's ass!  Also, I heard that Utes used to try to kill Buffaloes and vice versa or something."  And thusly a rivalry was born.

So fine.  I can never loath a team like I did (DO!) Nebraska but I'm up for fostering a new rivalry.  Maybe this one will be a friendly rivalry.  Winner gets first tracks!

And Utah has been incredibly successful in recent years.  Of course they were in the Mountain West Conference but whatever.  They now are playing with the big boys and have done reasonably well going 5-5 so far in the Pac-12.  I can't remember what the Buffs' record is.

The only other thing I know about the Utah football team is that their coach's name is Kyle Whittingham which is the whitest name in America.

"It's true, I'm white."

In case you hadn't heard, the Buffs are NOT bowl eligible.  So this game IS our bowl game, our rivalry match, our 2011 swan song, our chance to end on a good note, our chance to exorcise the road-loss demons.

The time is now, the place is Utah and the victims are our new friendly rivals, the Utes!  Time to stake our claim to Mountain Time Zone superiority.  Let's do this Buffs!

And that's how I'd deliver the pre-game locker room pep talk.  I think it would be pretty effective.

I have no idea why their mascot wears a giant chicken head.

Better know a conference foe: UCLA

Welcome to this weeks' edition of "Better know".  Today we'll profile UCLA.

Wikipedia facts:

• Nobel laureates: 14 (CU has 8)
• Astronauts: 6 (CU has 18)
• Football National Championships:  1 - in 1954 (CU has 1)
• Heisman Trophies: 1 - Gary Beban, 1967 (CU has 1)
• Basketball National Championships: 11! (CU has 0)
• Skiing National Championships: 0 (CU has SEVENTEEN)

Famous alums:

Vint Cerf (the Father of the Internet, have you heard of it?), Jack Black (Nacho Libre), Francis Ford Coppola (director of the Godfather franchise, Apocalypse Now), James Dean (brooding cool guy), Rob Reiner (Director) Anthony Keidis (Red Hot Chili Pepper), Jim Morrison, Lew Alcindor (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar), Jackie Robinson, Jimmy Connors, Bill Walton,  Arthur Ashe

"I invented the Internet.  I trust you're using it wisely?"

Apocalypse Now was a prequel to the Neuheisel era

Went to the same school as Vint Cerf (!?)

The Jim Morrison of Funk

The Jim Morrison

Jackie

Lew

Wow.  Way to represent, Bruins!  Except in the astronaut and skiing category where you obviously suck.  It's OK, most schools do.


Now let's talk about football.  Football!


I know we have all been riding the high of the first ever Pac-12 victory by the Buffs (high five!).  But the truth is that the Buffs have struggled mightily in recent years.  It's been frustrating, it's been painful.  One might be tempted to ask the big questions:


"Is there a god?  And if so, why does he hate the Buffs?"


To which I answer:


"Maybe.  And something to do with Rick Neuheisel."


You see the great Buff decline began when Rick took over a dominant CU Buffs program upon the abrupt retirement of Bill McCartney.  Neu was an unqualified lackey who was handed the keys to one of the hottest vehicles in all of college football.  Four years later, he departed for Washington leaving behind NCAA violations and a program in a downward spiral.  We never really recovered.  Not yet anyway.


And off he went to Washington (while declaring Colorado a "have-not") where, after some brief success, left amidst NCAA violations and a declining football program.  After a few years in the wilderness Washington has begun to recover - as the Buffs saw up close earlier this season. 


And yet, Neu got hired again.  This time for his dream job - to coach his alma mater, UCLA.  He has broken the Colorado/Washington pattern this time, however.  It seems that he has skipped the "be good at first" part and gone straight to the "sucking later" part.  UCLA is not good and it seems the wolves are at Rick's door - a fan base calling for change in LA.


And such is the poetry of the moment.  The great circle of life unfolding before our eyes.  In a singular great moment in Pasadena, our 2011 Buffs have the possibility of :

1. reversing their own fortunes and embarking upon the path back to competence (and eventual greatness)
2. ending a 22 game road losing streak
3. being the final straw that get's Neuheisel fired 

The sweetness of the moment would be divine and I feel it's indeed what the universe demands.  So bask in it, Buff Nation, for in it lies your own rebirth.  


Amen.

The end

Better know a conference foe: University of Arizona

Next stop on the Pac-12 get-to-know-you tour: U of A.

I've never been to Tuscon but it seems like a nice enough place and Arizona seems like a nice enough school.  But I gotta tell you, their Wikipedia page is one of the most boring things I've ever read.  And I've read several things I'll have you know.

Wikipedia facts:

• Nobel laureates: 4 (CU has 8)
• Astronauts:  4 (CU has 18)
• Football National Championships: 0 (CU has 1)
• Heisman Trophies: 0 (CU has 1)
• Skiing National Championships: 0 (CU has 17, ha!)

Famous Arizona alums:

Greg Kinnear (actor), Linda Ronstadt (singer), Baraba Kingsolver (author), David Foster Wallace (author), Geraldo Rivera ("journalist"), Jerry Bruckheimer (producer of films in which shit blows up), Don Knotts (Barney Fife), Jenny Finch (Olympic softball pitcher).

Remember "Talk Soup"?  That was a good show.

Enduring artist known for such classics as, uh...

If anyone ever deserved a punch in the nose, it's this guy

Every Bruckheimer film ever

"Opie went to a better school than I did?!"

U! S! A!

Fun fact about the the CU-Zona matchup:  Buff star receiver Paul Richardson will be defended by his cousin, Wildcat cornerback Shaquille Richardson.  So there that is.

Other fun fact: Arizona, the 11th team CU has played this year, is the first one to enter the CU game with a losing record.  Zona is 2-7 overall having only beaten Northern Arizona and a team coached by Rick Neuheisel.  Arizona has been so hapless this year that they fired their head coach, Mike Stoops, mid-season.

Stoops face.  The one quality he shares with Bob.

Zona is bad, I mean CU bad, on defense.  They are battling us for 12th pace in the conference for defensive statistics.  Saturday's match will decide the winner (er, loser).

But offensively the Wildcats sport one of the best QBs in the country - such is the way of the Pac-12.  In a conference full of gun-slingers, Nick Foles might be the gun-slingiest.  A possible first round NFL draft pick.

Itchy trigger finger

The Buffs return several defensive players from injury or suspension.  So the short-handedness won't be quite as acute this week.

Plainly put, this is the best chance for a Buff victory in several weeks.  And it's on Senior Day.  This senior class hasn't been what you would call successful but they have been scrappy and inspired.  None more so than Speedy Stewart who will leave CU as one of our all-time leading rushers despite the fact that he was running behind a sub-par O-line for most of his career and he is the size of a peanut.  So come witness him play one more time.

Love you, Peanut

GO BUFFS!

Better know a conference foe: USC

Continuing along the delightful journey into the Pac12, season 1:  Let us now get to know a bit about the University of Southern California.

Wikipedia facts and stuff:

• Nobel Laureates: 4 (CU has 8)
• Heisman Trophies: 7 (including Reggie Bush's which was returned due to cheating), CU has 1
• Football National Championships: 11 (Whoa!), CU has 1
• Astronauts: 16 (CU has 18)
• National Championships in Skiing: 0 (CU has 17 yo)

Alums: 

Louie Zamperini (read his biography, Unbroken, seriously), Ron Howard (Opie), George Lucas (Star Warrior), Will Ferrell (Ricky Bobby), Tom Selleck (Magnum P.I.), John Wayne (The Duke).  US Secretary of State Warren Christopher, General Norman Schwartzkopf, Randy Johnson (The Big Unit), Mark McGwire (Steroid enthusiast), Mark Sanchez (friend of Scotty McKnight), OJ Simpson (murderer).  Also various Prime Ministers of Jordan, Pakistan, Japan, Macedonia and South Korea as well as the current Interim Prime Minister of Libya.

Zamperini.  Read the biography.

"Hello?  Where's my shirt?"

"Why I've picked bigger tailbacks than you out of my hat."

"I someday plan to murder this many people."

One of the conundrums of switching conferences is that you don't yet know who to hate.  In our previous conference we spent decades getting to know, and really hate, Nebraska.  But in the Pac12 everyone seems so likable, at least at first glance.  Surely there's someone to hate, right?

Right.

As I've done exhaustive research on this topic - mostly by polling Pac10 Alums - there is one common thread.  Everyone hates USC.  Here's why.

Though they may be smarter, more handsome and wealthier than Nebraskans, they possess the same self important douchebagery that we've come to know and loathe.  They are entitled, spoiled, self-involved, ignorant dickheads.  And, like Nebraska, they have a long and storied history of cheating.

To him, the money was showed

But folks tend to look past those deplorable attributes because, unlike Nebraska, USC has a reasonable reputable academic institution.  Also unlike Nebraska, USC has the Song Girls.

I don't think they actually sing

Because of all the cheating, USC is not eligible to play in a bowl game this year.  And because of all the losing, CU is also not eligible to play in a bowl game this year.  So we've got that in common.  But that's sort of where the parallels end.

USC is once again ass deep in blue chips players.  They feature Matt Barkely at QB and Robert Woods at WR.  They are good at the football.  

Competent

But they have a coach who is generally regarded as a half-wit doofus.  Lane Kiffin has had a storied coaching career.  And the story is that he continues to fail upward.  He kind of sucked as head coach at Oakland and Tennessee which somehow led to his hiring at the American Football Mecca of USC.  As the great blog EDSBS.com once said, no matter how many times he screws up he'll "fall dick-first into a gutter filled with money and beautiful women, because this is what seems to happen to Lane Kiffin."

"I have no idea why this keeps happening."

Still, I welcome the Trojans to Boulder.  Despite my best efforts, I can't really hate them.  I mean, where would the world be today without all those condoms?  Yeah condoms!