Thursday, September 30, 2010

Georgia on my mind

The fact is that entering game four, we still have not the slightest idea of what to expect from the Buffs. Through the first three matches this team has been perfectly schizophrenic. They play either stunningly brilliantly or oh-my-god awfully for extended stretches but rarely are they simply mediocre. You have no idea how they will show up for the Georgia game. Therefore forecast and cogent analysis is but a fool's errand and I can't be bothered with such.

Instead I will regale you with thoughts and predictions about the circumstances and environment surrounding the tilt. I call this segment:

Grab Bag of Random Thoughts by an Over-tired, Wannabe Sports Blogger.

Vamos!

Black Out:
The kind in which a rabid crowd, joins in wearing solid black
throughout the stadium for a night game. Creates an eery abyss like sensation for visiting coaches (see Bill Steward circa 2008). Also, drunks will be present and undoubtedly black out. Double entendre, thy name is CU Sports Marketing.

Champions:
The CU 1990 National Championship Team will be commemorated at halftime. Was it really 20 years ago? The images remain crystal clear in my mind. It was an incredible team and a thrilling if bizarre season. Twill be an honor to salute them once again and be reminded that, yes indeed, it can happen at CU. Fitting too that we host Georgia for this event. Good UGA folk despise Georgia Tech with whom we shared the title thanks to that sonofabitch Tom Osborne (spits on ground)! If there is one thing that Buffs and Bulldogs can agree upon, it's that Nebraska ruins everything.

Battle of the Embattled Coaches:
Georgia's Mark Richt has had an incredibly successful 9 year career at UGA where he has won the SEC twice and averaged 10 wins per season during his tenure. But alas, Richt's 2010 squad is off to a rough 1-3 start and suddenly his seat is hot. A loss in Boulder may in fact seal his fate.

If it makes Richt feel better, his opponent's seat is positively on fire despite his current season record of 2-1. Dan Hawkin's reign in Boulder has thus far been marked by regrettable quotes, terrible hair styles and the characteristic self-immolation fuck-upery which has become known as either "Hawkism" or "shooting oneself in the dick", depending on who you ask.

Mascots:
Two of the most iconic of all college mascots will grace the turf of Folsom on Saturday evening. Uga, the adorable if slobbery bulldog mascot of Georgia will lead his team onto the field and inspire "awwww"s from cute girls throughout the stadium. Meanwhile Ralphie the gigantic, untamed beast will lead her team onto the field and inspire terror among the visiting flat-landers.


Fans:
Honestly, I can't say that I have ever met a Georgia fan. I have no basis to assume that they are anything but intelligent, polite, charming and attractive football enthusiasts from the South who will impress us with their knowledge and quiet dignity. But instead I will assume that every single one of them will be more or less this guy I found on the Internet. Research, I do it!

Meanwhile, the CU fans will be gracious hosts, scholars of the game, beacons of integrity and, (obviously) embarrassingly gorgeous.



The End:
So there you have it, this week's installment of piercing insight. I suggest you sit down now and have a cold drink to recover from having your mind blown. Take as much time as you need, your boss and co-workers will wait.


Thursday, September 16, 2010

Sons of Polynesia

OK, brief statement on the debacle in Berkeley.

That was one of the poorest performances I have witnessed in my long career as an armchair quarterback (more like sofa punter, but I digress). The sheer depth of fuck-uppery and ass-hatiness may never have been equalled in the history of modern organized sports. Buffaloes - you embarrassed yourselves and you embarrassed me. Yet I forgive you. Because I love just as my own offspring for you have chosen to be Buffs. Now get back out there and this time try really hard not to be so.... bad. K, thanks.

Moving on.

Well guess who's coming to town - Hawaii! God, I love it. I frickin' love it. For I have a long standing crush on [insert favorite deity's name]'s Chosen People. Yes, that's right - I love Polynesians. Don't get me wrong, I love all the people of all the races (Nebraskans excepted). It's just that I love Polynesians the most.

Why do I love them the most? Let me count the reasons.

Physical stature

Mother nature assembled a DNA cocktail heavy on braun and speed. As if she had football on her mind from the beginning. And of course she did.


Handsomeness

The islanders sport bronze skin, square jaws, broad smiles and... wew, is it getting hot in here? Hey is that Doug Bonnie?

Ferocity

The Polynesians, after all, are warriors. Battle is an ancient and revered part of their proud culture. But they perform it with honor and respect for their opponent - who they will eventually maim, kill, behead and make jewelry from. The most awesome modern display of this ferocity is portrayed in the war dance (Haka) performed pre-game by the Hawai'i football team. View this:
If you are an opposing player, you just shat yourself.


Style

These big, beuatiful bastards have style. There is much to love about a culture where grass skirts and flower necklaces are worn by men and women alike. And then there is the ukulele - a tiny guitar played by giants.

Homeland

Seriously. If there was ever a debate about who [insert favorite deity] loved most it would end with this statement: "And unto the Polynesians he/she gave... Polynesia."


Hair

The hair, it's fantastic. The long curly lochs. Flowing mane of pain! I'll be honest with you. Most white men with long hair look like either a) women or b) dirtbags. I can say this, I once had long hair - not a good look. But a Samoan man with long hair? Please. Women who see pictures of Troy Palamalu may become spontaneously impregnated.

Names

The Polynesian names are always, always the coolest on the roster. Such multi-syllabic, vowel-rific masterpieces are as fun to say as they are difficult to pronounce. Our own CU islanders include handles such as:
Liloa Nobriga
Max Tuioti-Mariner
Michael Sipili
Sione Tau
Kaiwi Crabb

And The Hawaii roster is predictably even more impressive, sporting such beauties as:
Alasi Toilolo
Kamalu Umu
Vaughn Meatoga
Ikaika Mahoe
London Sapolu
TJ Taimatuia
... the list goes on


So bottom line, friends. Nobody knows if we'll see the good Buffs who played a solid game and beat CSU soundly or the the bad Buffs who shat the bed at Cal. But what we do know is that on Saturday we will see plenly of the Chosen People on the turf of Folsom Field doing what they were genetically engineered to do - smash into opposing men with great passion and ferocity.

Come for the Haka, stay for the fun.










Thursday, September 09, 2010

Colorfornia Golden Bearffuloes?

After a satisfying pantsing of CSU in game one, the Buffs move on to game two. And as I look at this next opponent I see a lot of, well, US. Behold the eery comparisons:


University of California University of Colorado
State name begins with C, contain 4 syllables State name begins with C, contain 4 syllables
Mascot: Golden Bears


Mascot: Golden Buffaloes
Local hero: Darian Hagan Jr.
Local hero: Darian Hagan Sr.
Community is frequently threatened by wildfires

Community is frequently threatened by wildfires

Non-native settlers first came to the state in search of gold


Non-native settlers first came to the state in search of gold


Town is inhabited by stinky hippies and wealthy liberal elite

Town is inhabited by stinky hippies and wealthy liberal elite


Rival: Red-clad, self important wankers led by rage-aholic nutjob


Rival: Red-clad, self important wankers led by rage-aholic nutjob


Coach: once among the hottest commodities in college football, now desperately trying to prove he wasn't a flash in the pan
Coach: once among the hottest commodities in college football, now desperately trying to prove he wasn't a flash in the pan





So, when I look at you Cal, it's like looking in the mirror. Beautiful.

That said, the Buffs are coming to your town, Bears, intending to commit unspeakable acts upon your mortal souls. It's like the biblical story of Cain and Abel in which one brother murdered the other and I can't remember which or why and that shit just seems wrong but sometimes a brother's got to get cut, you know? And that brother is you, Cain. Or Abel.

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Klatt & Van Pelt Discuss the upcoming game

Welcome back to football, Buff fans! I am so thrilled to kick-off another exciting season of CU football.

But instead of boring you with my pedestrian analysis of the CU/CSU matchup, I will humbly give way to two men who understand this rivalry better than anyone. Ladies and gentlmen, I give you Joel Klatt and Bradlee Van Pelt!


[applause]

JK: Thank you, Buffalover, it's a real honor to be here to chat about the ever-exciting Rocky Mountain Showdown. And I am thrilled to be here alongside a tremendous college football icon, Bradlee Van Pelt. Bradlee put 'er there! [Smiles, extends arm for hand shake]

BVP: FAAAAAAAAAAAG! [Does not shake hand]

JK: [Slighly befuddled.] Ha, Bradlee, you are such a comedian.

BVP: Whatever, dickweed. What are we here for? To talk about the game? I call it the Rocky Mountain Blow Down! Cuz you blow and we gonna knock you down, YEAH! [Turns to high five side kick. Side kick not present.]

JK: Oh Brad, you never change, you rascal. So Buffalover invited us to give anaysis of the game. I'll start. I think this year's matchup figures to be a well balanced affair with both teams having something to prove. Steve Fairchild of CSU is steadily rebuilding the program and shocked the Buffs last year. Meanwhile, Coach Dan Hawkins enters his fifth season with many questions about his ability to get the job done. Bradlee, how do you analyze the trajectory of these two coaching staffs?

BVP: [Crosses eyes, makes wanking motion, sneers, spits tobacco juice into plastic cup.]

JK: OK. Moving on to the offenses... Colorado's squad has finally elevated Tyler Hansen to full time starting quarterback duty after two years of dueling Cody Hawkins for that job. Hansen will be surrounded by the most talent seen in Black and Gold since the arrival of Dan Hawkins. Meanwhile, CSU is rebuilding their offense after losing a number of starters including quarterback and much of the offensive line. So the experience edge goes to the Buffs, but with Steve Fairchild the offensive genius calling plays the Rams cannot be counted out. Brad?

BVP: The PUFFS just suck that's what I know, college boy! By the way, nice tie! Ooooh, I'm so impressed Mr. Important Person with, like, a job or whatever.

JK: Next let's look at the defenses. The Buffs have one of the best defensive backfields in college football with not one but two lock-down corners in Jimmy Smith and Jalil Brown. The linebacker core under the direction of Brian Cabral is bound to be solid. Much of the DL is young but possessing some great potential. Bradlee, how about you run down the CSU defense for us?

BVP: What? Sure, I'll run down the CSU defense for you, albino boy, and all you other jerk-off, communist, REAL-American-hating Boulder stinky hippies! The CSU defense will kick your ass, that's what! They're gonna rip off Taylor Branson's head and shit down is throat, WOOO! [Turns to high five side kick. Side kick not present.]

JK: Uh, that's Tyler Hanson.

BVP: Whatever, asswipe. You think you're smarter than me? You think that you went to some great freaking college or somethin'? That school is a joke, bitch. I don't care how many cosmo... astromen... space jockies you have! And you think you're so great because of the No-Bell Prizes and stuff. I mean what the fuck is a No-Bell Prize anyway? Bullshit I say.

JK: It's actually called the Nobel Prize and it's bestowed annually to the top...

BVP: [Chucks empty Coors Light can at Klatt giving Klatt a severe concussion.]

JK: Ouch! You know that's not very civilized, Bradlee.

BVP: "That's not very civilized, Bradlee." I'll show you civilized, fart knocker! [Turns, drops jean shorts to reveal hairy buttocks which he shakes and thusts in Klatt's general direction].

JK: [After stunned pause]. OK. I guess that about raps it up for this analysis. I'd like to thank Buffalover for having me on the show today. And as always, I'd like to thank Bradlee Van Pelt for his insightful analysis.

BVP: [Makes fart noises with his hands and lips.]

JK: Enjoy the game everyone.