Cripple fight

I've spent the last week fruitlessly attempting to purge my memory of the brutal 58-0 beating that was administered to the Buffs by Mizzou last weekend. I've been at this college football fanatic business for many years now and I can honestly tell you that this loss was among the most reprehensible. All props to Missouri for playing an excellent game, but the Buffs displayed a level of dispassion and dip-shittery so acute that everyone who watched is now sadder and dumber for it. Buffaloes, you know I love you, but I award you no points and may God have mercy on your souls:


OK. What's next? The Buffs now travel to Texas A&M to take on the similarly hapless Aggies. TAMU is going through one of those dreaded "coaching transitions" which can only mean that they are engulfed in flames that refuse to be dampened by the river of tears cried by their fans. In other words, they are us two years ago. But buck up, Aggies look how far we've come! You're just 2 short years away from maybe being a .500 team. Soldier on, now.

This tilt will not be pretty. Two poor teams finding new and interesting ways to disgrace my life's passion. The only redeemable thing about this matchup is that the television networks have seen fit to not broadcast it - lest our eyes be blinded by the potential horrors to be wrought upon the turf of Kyle Field. You'll listen to the broadcast on the radio, of course. I recommend doing so while watching tape of the "Miracle in Michigan". You'll be glad you did.

Crazy? Crazy like a Hawk!

If you are a student of the ancient art of combat, as I am, you know that there are but two over arching heuristics that should always guide you on the the field of battle:

1) Never bring a knife to a gun fight
2) Never fight an insane person

These guiding principles create a conundrum for both Missouri Coach Gary Pinkel and CU Coach Dan Hawkins this week.

You see, Hawkins brings a clearly outmatched team to Columbia, Missouri this weekend to face the fearsome (if somewhat blemished) Mizzou Tigers. The offensive weapons presented by MU are as terrifying of a grouping as I have seen in the Big XII North in recent memory. Chase Daniel, Jeremy Maclin, Chase Coffman are just a few of the awe inspiring athletes who aim to batter our Buffs. All respect to the Tigers - they are indeed bringing a gun to this fight. The Buffs, sadly, bring a knife.

On the other hand, that knife will be wielded by a certifiably insane man, our beloved Dan Hawkins. This is the man who just last week baffled the Kansas State coaching staff by randomly inserting a previously unknown, redshirting, 5th string quarterback Tyler Hansen into the game and asking him to run around like a chimp on meth. This crazy "strategy" actually worked, and the Buffs pulled off a weird win. If you are Gary Pinkel tonight, you are lying awake in bed wondering what ridiculous move that crackpot Hawkins will pull this week... equipment manager sent in to kick field goals, Cody at linebacker, the swinging gate formation, fumblruski, punt on 3rd down?

With these factors at play, I don't think anyone can predict just what will happen on Saturday in Columbia. We'll just have to tune in and find out what sort of madness the night has in store for us.

In completely irrelevant and unrelated news, Chase Daniel eats boogers:


Adventures in academic excellence - a profile of Kansas State University

Let's see, who is on the schedule this week? Oh, Kansas State that famous outpost of learning that has launched the career of many a astronaut big box retail employee.

For nearly as long as I can remember, K-State football has made it's living by recruiting junior college players. The kind of guys who probably couldn't be admitted to any other accredited university in the country are routinely welcomed with open arms onto the K-State campus. This amazes, and exasperates me. I don't mean to be an "elitist" or anything but, let's be honest, so-called "junior colleges" are essentially the sub-prime mortgages of the education world. They accept every miscreant who walks through the door, rarely get paid, and ultimately threaten to topple the entire education system with their reckless and unqualified student bodies. Ultimately and predictably, they'll be asking us to bail them out - of jail, that is.

Quick poll:
Your average junior college instructor is:

a) fulfilling a court mandated community service
b) selling dope
c) trembling in fear
d) wearing a kevlar vest
e) all of the above

(The answer is "e". If you are a junior college student, you answered "7")

This year's K-State rosters is perhaps the most JC-rific lineup of all times. A quick scan through the team's website reveals 37 players who have come to KSU via JCs, CCs and similar institutions just this side of state prison. Behold the alma maters par excelence:

Harbor CC
Santa Barbara CC
Coffeyville College
Garden City CC
Butler County CC
Tyler JC
Independence CC
Hutchinson JC
Miss. Delta CC
Johnson County CC
Emporia State
Rainy River CC
El Camino CC
College of San Mateo
Santa Rosa JC
Copiah-Lincoln CC
Sacramento CC
Compton CC
Bakersfield College
San Francisco CC

Ahh, the swelling pride that must be felt by a K-State booster as he gazes upon the student-athletes who represent his school. His other source of pride is the handsome and inspiring mascot, Willie the Wildcat:


May Buddha ave mercy on your soul, K-State.

The enormous opportunity - Jayhawks

Someday soon we'll all look back and remember when Kansas was good. As sudden and improbable as their rise has been, their fall will be equally swift. Coach Mangino is a morbidly obese genius who has taken the forlorn-est of college football programs and turned it into a winner. But each beat of his massive heart brings him one second closer to the coronary embolism which is his fate. And as goes Mangino, so goes Kansas.

Do not get me wrong, I harbor no animosity toward Kansas nor Coach Mangino. He's unapologetically grotesque and undeniably gifted at coaching the game of football. That's cool, my friends, damn cool. Hey Koolaid!


Who knows, maybe that great turning point will come Saturday. Perhaps the Buffs will rise up from the morass in which they currently find themselves. The Buffs offense will begin to click once again, the defense will wrap up Todd Reesing and the special teams will stop embarrassing themselves. I fear that the shocking turn of events will dislodge some enormous Crisco crystal deep within a Mangino central artery. As that coronary iceberg winds it's way through the caverns of cookie dough that line the coach's veins, the end draws closer for the Kansas Jayhawks football glory days.

So live it up Jayhawks for the reunion with the conference doormat is nigh. Soon all you'll have is fantastic basketball, miles of bucolic grasslands and, of course, batshit crazy creationist zealots.

Go Buffs!

I forgive you, Mack Brown

Ahhh, Texas. It's been a while since we've seen those boys. Let's see when was that? Oh yeah, 2005 Big XII championship game. How'd that turn out?


Oh that's right. With the UT blowout (final score 70-3) well underway, Texas continued to blitz Joel Klatt in a murderous rage until, at last, they ended his storied CU career with this concussing blow to the jaw.

Really, no hard feelings. What's a little battery acid in an open, organs spilling out wound among friends right? Bygones.

I seek not revenge. Dan Hawkins has taught me to love my brother, turn the other cheek, and of course to seek not the target but to become the bow. I asked Hawk how the injustice that felled Joel Klatt can go unpunished. Guru Dan, paused, inhaled deeply and spake these words that I shall never forget and never comprehend - "The universe is a circle. Justice is nowhere and justice is everywhere." He smelt strongly of weed and musky BO.

So, gentle Buffalo follower, please come to old Folsom Field on Saturday night. Seek out a burnt orange clad visitor, embrace him, and tell him that you forgive him. Remind him that the universe is indeed a circle and wish him a full recovery from the unnecessarily malicious blitzing concussion that will one day scramble his gray matter. Then, if possible, pants him.