Thursday, September 29, 2011

Better Know a Conference Foe: Washington State University


At last, the Buffs officially begin Pac12 play!  Following a lifetime in the Big8/12 it's time to meet our new mates to the West.  


First up - Washington State Cougars!

Scary!

So what do we know about this school?  

Well, I'll be honest with you.  Before today I only knew this about Washington State:

1) They are a university, presumably located within the State of Washington.  Somewhere in the east, I suppose.


2) They've been known to occasionally have giant, frankenstein looking quarterbacks (Bledsoe, Leaf).
Future pro-bowler
Future douchebag



* Their logo bears an eery resemblance to Kansas State's.
Swooshy cat

Swooshy cat with more pronounced whiskers


* The greatest college football announcer of all times, Keith Jackson, is a WSU alum.  The honorable Mr. Jackson called this memorable moment:


* Their football team is historically bad with occasional moments of unsustained competence.  Like the 1997 season in which they ascended to the Rose Bowl (and were summarily defeated by Michigan - high five!).

* Their flag has appeared in the background of every ESPN Gameday broadcast since October of 2003.
Chris, you were so young...

And that's about all I knew.  But knowledge is power, and I need power!  So off I went to Wikipedia to seek enlightenment (and power!).

Wikipedia facts:

* Famous-est alumni (aside from the aforementioned Jackson):  Edward R Murrow (no shit).
The dean of broadcast journalists


* Number of astronauts: (1  John M. Fabian)
CU has 18


* Number of Nobel Prize winners:  0
7.  CU has 7.



* Number of Heisman Trophy Winners: 0 
CU has 1

* National Championships in Football: 0
We have 1
* National Championships in Skiing: 0
17, son



So there you have it.  I dropped some serious WSU knowledge on your asses.  You're welcome.

Go Buffs!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

THE Ohio State Contro-versity

Let's see, who do the Buffs draw this weekend? After starting off the season with Hawaii, Cal and CSU surely we have one patsy to complete the non-conference schedule. Ah crap, it's Ohio State.

Ohio State - who by the way refers to themselves as THE Ohio State University so as not to be confused with all of those other poseur universities from the state of Ohio - is a legendary football factory school.  The historical home of...
Respect


Archie Griffith, only 2 time winner of the Heisman Trophy:











Site of weekly spelling bees.
The famous Ohio Stadium, better known as "The Shoe" (presumably because of the smell):









Tough love is still love, asshole.
Coaching icon and puncher of helmeted youths, Woody Hayes:












Is that... a testicle?
Brutus the Buckeye mascot:














I know that dude!
President E Gordon Gee:














Wait, what was the thing about the drug trafficking investigation?
Jim Tressel, concealer of material truths, sweater vest aficionado:













Seriously, stop doing that.
Enthusiastic arm spellers:

Seen here holding a fat wallet
Body art enthusiast, Terrelle Pryor:














Class, he's got it
An unjustified hatred for my beloved Michigan Wolverines:









Who am I, why am I here?
And a new head coach named Luke Fickell.  Luke.  Fickell.















So THE Ohio State University has fallen on what for them qualifies as hard times.  Among scandal, their coach has been fired, their star quarterback has fled to the lawless regions of Raiderland and several players remain suspend for accepting improper benefits.  Worse, OSU has struggled early in the post Tressel era squeaking past Toledo (shifts in seat nervously) and losing to an unranked and similarly scandalized Miami.  They enter the Buff game reeling and searching for answers.

Meanwhile, the Bienembree regime at Colorado is finding itself.  While nobody in his right mind (pauses, introspects, moves on) would claim that the Buffs are remotely in the same league as Ohio State, the sense of possibility for CU is palpable.

Could this be the breakout moment for a young team and a new staff?  Could the Buffs break the 18 game road losing streak in dramatic fashion in the shrine of college football before 102,000 partisan fans?  Could this be the day in which the Buffs finally become relevant again, once and for all shaking off the stink of a decade of mediocrity?

Compelling questions, I got 'em.  Answers, I don't.

Go Buffs!


Thursday, September 15, 2011

Spicoli Sees the Future (AKA fun with extrapolation)

(This week's guest blogger is Jeff Spicoli.  Take it away Jeff.)
I know that dude!

Hey bros.  Don't.  Panic.

I know, I know.  The Buffs are winless in the Bienembree Era.

Dude, I'm telling you, the new coaches are just getting their feet under them.  It's like in game 1, they had no feet under them, right?  But in game two, they had 1 foot under them.  You get where this is going?

Check it, bro - I'm here to tell you.  Seriously. I can see the future.  In game three, these coaches will have TWO feet under them.  See - first 0, then 1, then 2.

That's called "extrapolation".  It's science!

[laughs and coughs]

That's right, man.  And I got more of that ex-trap-o-lation for yo ass.  Check these stats from the first two games...

Hawai'i
Cal
CSU
(extrapolation)
CU sacks allowed
7
0
-7

Wait, what??  You can't have negative seven sacks, man...  Bad example. 

OK, OK.  Try this one...

Hawai'i
Cal
CSU
(extrapolation)  
CU points allowed
34
36
38

So the Buffs will give up 38 points to the Rambos.  I know, sounds bad.  Sounds like a lot point-oes on the score board, no?

Ha!  Don't worry bro, we got you covered...


Hawai'i
Cal
CSU
(extrapolation)

CU points scored
17
33
64!


Yeaaah!  Buffs hang 64 on the Ram-dogs.  Hey-ohh!

Buh-bye
And check out my BROTHA Paul Richardson...


Hawai'i
Cal
CSU
(extrapolation)

P-Rich receptions
3
11
40!
P-Rich yards
49
284
1646!

Ah, damn, man.  P-Rich goes off for 1646 yards!  Hey, it's math broseph.  You can't deny MATH!

But hold-up, hold-up.  I'm gonna level with you right now.  The Buffs, they still got issues.  The fuck is up with the penalties, man???



Hawai'i
Cal
CSU
(extrapolation)

CU penalties
7
12
21
CU penalty yards
58
98
166


But look, son, you gotta live with that stink.  Sure the left guard, tight end or slot back is going to line up wrong, have an illegal procedure, unsportsmanlike conduct.  Like every other play.  You got to roll with that, bro.  That's the hair in the burrito, boss.  You still like the burrito - that's a damn delicious burrito.  But the hair, it's nasty.  Look, eat that hairy burrito and be a CHAMPION!

(The "hair" is the penalties...  The "burrito" is victory.  You got that, right?  Cool.)

So in summary, Buffs win this hairy game big.  The math proves it.

Go Buffs!


Thursday, September 08, 2011

A Boulder intellectual talks football with a Berkeley intellectual

[Scene: Two old friends, Paul (of Berkeley) and Phil (of Boulder) reunited for the weekend as Colorado hosts Cal in a football match.  Wanna-be intellectuals pretending not to be obsessed by football...]

Phil
Phil: It's great to see you.  I'm glad that you could break away from your philosophy PhD thesis work to come out for the weekend.  As a fifth year graduate student, you must be pretty busy.

Paul: True that, friend.  And I'm pleased to catch up with you, Mr Big Shot political journalist! Some would call you an "unpaid blogger" but we know who makes the real news in the world today!

Phil: I think it's wonderful that Colorado is now in the Pac12 so that we can play teams like Cal.  The BigXII was soooo boorish.

Paul
Paul: You know I've been thinking about the dissolution of the Big XII and the rise of the Pac12 (soon 16?). I can't help but draw parallels with the 19th century pioneering socialist thinkings of Marx and Engels.

Phil: You know, you've got a point, Paul.  The the unequal distribution of wealth and the oppression of the masses of Europe in Marx's day closely mimic the recent history of the BigXII.

Paul: Exactly!  The Big XII historical imbalance of power toward the Texas "bourgeoisie" manifested itself in inefficiencies and social contradictions in the greater conference society leading to the class struggle not unlike the one Marx depicted.

Phil: Yes, that's right.  The oppressed majority in this case are exemplified by the "proletariat" Colorado Buffaloes.  Though they were disaffected by the capitalist, self interested, ruling minority (Texas) Colorado realized their position of value in the production of wealth and rose up to promote social change, banding together with their "comrades" and sparking a conference realignment (a "revolution") that eventually, if not immediately may redraw the entire map of collegiate athletic conferences - ala European states.


Nicholas says "Hook 'em!"
Paul: Hmmm.  So then the Pac12 is the Soviet Union of the 21st Century, eh?  Schools are the states, banding together in an egalitarian utopian society designed to share wealth equally.  Colorado fled the oppressive Czar monarchy of Texas.

Phil: And we all know how the story ends for the Czar.

[Hilarious laughter ensues.]

Phil:  Speaking of monarchies, the Hawkins era smacked of birth right entitlement - in which the son ascended to leadership and privilege based solely on paternity rather than competence and the will of the people.

Paul: Yes, Embree represents the rise of the common man, a patriot of the people, seizing control over the entrenched ruler (Hawkins) - not so much a tyrant as a complacent, entitled, incompetent monarch.

Phil: Embree swept in on a wave of populist sentiment - promising to give power to the people, where the common man, a worker, a mere position coach, could rise up and lead a previously depressed population with the promise of communal wealth and the elimination of previous class structures.  Embree is our Lenin, if you will.

Goatie

Goatie!!

Paul: Further exploring the socialist historic parallels... Jeff Tedford at Cal has been a revolutionary of the first order.  The Frederich Engels or quite possibly the Karl Marx of football philosophy.  His pioneering spread offense with equal distribution of throws to all receivers, regardless of social status, birth-right or proximity to the line of scrimmage (ala the rural peasantry) - why it's practically the sports equivalent of the Communist Manifesto itself!



[Long period of stunned silence.]

Phil: Good weed, dude.

Paul: Humboldt.



Thursday, September 01, 2011

Ode to an unhealthy obsession


What is that scent I smell
'cross fields of dusty summer
'Tis the odor of a football
And linemen as they slumber


Soon will ye be returning
To stadiums of play
Waging erstwhile battles
At home I cannot stay


For nearing is the time
In black and gold I'm dressing
To view those valiant fellows
Good lord I am obsessing


The Big XII be forgotten?
I do not care to ask ye
A-westward have I have forged
I will not miss Nebraska


The Pac12 is my future
My new life has arrived
All sunshine, wealth and beauty
It is for what I've strived


So how now to begin it?
This first trip ought to please ye
To meet the Rainbow Warriors
We go to Polynesia


An island lush and fierce
Raising lava from its bowels
Bronze players with great manes
Their names of many vowels


So go there must I now
Our fate I can't intuit
And yet I feel so hopeful
Jon Embree bade me do it


And as my waiting ends
I've fear and trepidation
I breath as one with you
Beloved Buffalo Nation