Monday, August 27, 2007

The Rocky Mountain Hoe-down

Your season of discontent is about to end. Your off-season purgatory is mercifully terminating as you ascend to the heaven of weekly doses of college football. Glory be, let the games begin!

And who do we Buffaloes meet first but our kissing cousins from the North. Some call them the Colorado State University Rams. Others refer to them by their historical moniker, the Colorado A&M Aggies. Other known aliases include Colorado's Second University, CS Ewe, the Poudre Pirates, Larimer County Community College, Cow College, Dirt U, Fort Knockers, Scholars of Animal Husbandry... Where was I going with that? Oh yeah, the rivalry.

Yes, it is a rivalry. Even though CU has historically dominated the contest, the Rammies come loaded for bear every damned year. I respect them for this.

We love to razz them good naturedly. Not just because of their low paying jobs and their unattractive women but also because of their wardrobe. I mean, seriously. Guys who wear nearly thigh high boots with high heels and pointy toes while also adorning big garish hats have some not so well kept secrets in that closet. Then again, they say we're sissies because our boys shave our legs and wear bright colored lycra. To which I say... touché, Gomer, touché.

They hate us for being smarter, better looking and more charming. And for being arrogant. OK, we are a bit arrogant when it comes to CSU. For this I apologize even if I can't reform. Truly some of my favorite people on this planet are CSU alumni. I love them for their fun-loving, agrarian ways. They are the salt of the Earth. That is with the exception of Bradlee Van Pelt who is obviously an unredeemable prick.

The Lambs got the victory last year, part of a sad, sad season for CU. What will happen this year? No figgin' idea! CSU has lot's of experience. Offensively, the CSU QB Caleb Hanie surgically dismantled the CU defensive backfield last year even without the threat of a running game. This year slobber-knocker TB Kyle Bell returns from injury to balance Hanie's passing. This concerns me.

Then again, I believe the Buffs will bring a credible offense to this game (unlike last year). We too will be able to bring in balanced running and passing games. It may be unspectacular, but we should move the ball.

Regardless, both teams will come thirsty for blood. CU on a mission of redemption and CSU playing their Super Bowl. It will be fun. It will be college football!

And a damned early college football game at that. With the kick-off at Mile High scheduled for 10 AM, the tailgating activities will begin at 8 AM in lot D. Look for Hamid's impressive pole raised high above the parking lot. Also, there will be a big flag and windsock. (See what I did there, crotch humor!) We'll have the grill going cooking up some delicious parking lot breakfast treats for your hungry souls.

CU Saturday!

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Buff Superheroes

Eight days left until the kickoff of the new season and what do we know? The press has been quite active on all aspects of the Buffs 2007 team. Netbuffs.com has been totally abuzz. And there have been a couple of scrimmages open to the public. So again, what do we know? Well, we still know very little. Such is the problem of watching teams play against themselves. But fear not, truth seekers. All will be revealed on September 1st.

Until then, here's a look at some of the characters that shape your 2007 Colorado Buffaloes...

Cody The Adorable

We know that Cody Hawkins will be the starting QB. Loveable, adorable, little kid. I’ve harped on his vertical deficiencies already but please don’t label me a heightist. I value all people equally regardless of physical stature. But I’m terribly hung up on this short QB issue. Yes, I think he’s the best guy on the roster to man the QB spot and I think that he’ll be serviceable. But this shortness issue ain’t going away. In last week’s scrimmage, he was impressive but on no fewer than 2 occasions his un-tallness caused terrible mistakes. First it was a pass that was tipped at the line of scrimmage then ultimately intercepted. Next it was a shotgun snap that sailed inches over his outstretched fingertips resulting in a 20 yard loss. When those things happen in an actual game, they can be devastating. Get the Nike scientists working on the new Air Lift cleats, STAT!

Michael the Destroyer

I previously discussed our deep and talented LB corp. Um, whoops. Since then the very important inside linebacker position has been badly crippled. Bad ass true sophomore Michael Sipili has been suspended for quite literally caving in the face of some guy during a fight on the Hill. His backup, Marcus Burton, has recently been declared academically ineligible. Kids today! So that leaves us with #3 string RJ Brown. By all accounts RJ is a great kid who does not perform free-lance facial deconstruction surgeries but does go to class. Great qualities. The problem is that he is under-sized, under-fast and otherwise under-gifted. This makes me under-happy.

Josh the Bruised

Soon after Josh Smith began camp and dazzled coaches and fans with his WR skills the true freshman collided with a Folsom Field wall in the 2nd scrimmage. The result, a bruised kidney. Ouch. He’ll be out for at least a few weeks and may end up red-shirting for the year. So who’s left at WR? Patrick Williams is teasing us again with his potential, Dusty Sprague and Alvin Barnett are disappearing and a walk-on named Scotty is likely to win the other spot. And don't forget, there’s another, dare I say, adorable Cody on the team. Cody Crawford the slow, tiny yet sure handed junior will be out there to haul in some 5 yard out patterns shortly before being drilled by a cornerback. I’m sorry, but when a full half of your offensive skill players are named Cody or Scotty, you might be in deep yogurt. Still adorable though!


Terrence the Invincible


Terrence Wheatley has been locked in at one cornerback position and is the real deal. He may be small but he’s as close a thing as there is to a shut-down corner. The question has been, who would win the other spot. The answer, Ben Burney. I love this kid (as I love all Buffs) but I really think that he should consider changing his name. A DB with “burn” in his name is just tempting fate. It’s about as intimidating to opposing offenses as a saftey named Dykes. What? That’s actually our safety’s name? Crap.


Note: It seems that all of these guys dress exactly alike. That's kind of freaking me out.