But instead of boring you with my pedestrian analysis of the CU/CSU matchup, I will humbly give way to two men who understand this rivalry better than anyone. Ladies and gentlmen, I give you Joel Klatt and Bradlee Van Pelt!
[applause]
JK: Thank you, Buffalover, it's a real honor to be here to chat about the ever-exciting Rocky Mountain Showdown. And I am thrilled to be here alongside a tremendous college football icon, Bradlee Van Pelt. Bradlee put 'er there! [Smiles, extends arm for hand shake]
BVP: FAAAAAAAAAAAG! [Does not shake hand]
JK: [Slighly befuddled.] Ha, Bradlee, you are such a comedian.
BVP: Whatever, dickweed. What are we here for? To talk about the game? I call it the Rocky Mountain Blow Down! Cuz you blow and we gonna knock you down, YEAH! [Turns to high five side kick. Side kick not present.]
JK: Oh Brad, you never change, you rascal. So Buffalover invited us to give anaysis of the game. I'll start. I think this year's matchup figures to be a well balanced affair with both teams having something to prove. Steve Fairchild of CSU is steadily rebuilding the program and shocked the Buffs last year. Meanwhile, Coach Dan Hawkins enters his fifth season with many questions about his ability to get the job done. Bradlee, how do you analyze the trajectory of these two coaching staffs?
BVP: [Crosses eyes, makes wanking motion, sneers, spits tobacco juice into plastic cup.]
JK: OK. Moving on to the offenses... Colorado's squad has finally elevated Tyler Hansen to full time starting quarterback duty after two years of dueling Cody Hawkins for that job. Hansen will be surrounded by the most talent seen in Black and Gold since the arrival of Dan Hawkins. Meanwhile, CSU is rebuilding their offense after losing a number of starters including quarterback and much of the offensive line. So the experience edge goes to the Buffs, but with Steve Fairchild the offensive genius calling plays the Rams cannot be counted out. Brad?
BVP: The PUFFS just suck that's what I know, college boy! By the way, nice tie! Ooooh, I'm so impressed Mr. Important Person with, like, a job or whatever.
JK: Next let's look at the defenses. The Buffs have one of the best defensive backfields in college football with not one but two lock-down corners in Jimmy Smith and Jalil Brown. The linebacker core under the direction of Brian Cabral is bound to be solid. Much of the DL is young but possessing some great potential. Bradlee, how about you run down the CSU defense for us?
BVP: What? Sure, I'll run down the CSU defense for you, albino boy, and all you other jerk-off, communist, REAL-American-hating Boulder stinky hippies! The CSU defense will kick your ass, that's what! They're gonna rip off Taylor Branson's head and shit down is throat, WOOO! [Turns to high five side kick. Side kick not present.]
JK: Uh, that's Tyler Hanson.
BVP: Whatever, asswipe. You think you're smarter than me? You think that you went to some great freaking college or somethin'? That school is a joke, bitch. I don't care how many cosmo... astromen... space jockies you have! And you think you're so great because of the No-Bell Prizes and stuff. I mean what the fuck is a No-Bell Prize anyway? Bullshit I say.
JK: It's actually called the Nobel Prize and it's bestowed annually to the top...
BVP: [Chucks empty Coors Light can at Klatt giving Klatt a severe concussion.]
JK: Ouch! You know that's not very civilized, Bradlee.
BVP: "That's not very civilized, Bradlee." I'll show you civilized, fart knocker! [Turns, drops jean shorts to reveal hairy buttocks which he shakes and thusts in Klatt's general direction].
JK: [After stunned pause]. OK. I guess that about raps it up for this analysis. I'd like to thank Buffalover for having me on the show today. And as always, I'd like to thank Bradlee Van Pelt for his insightful analysis.
BVP: [Makes fart noises with his hands and lips.]
JK: Enjoy the game everyone.
2 comments:
Hello. And Bye. Thank you very much.
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