That was one of the poorest performances I have witnessed in my long career as an armchair quarterback (more like sofa punter, but I digress). The sheer depth of fuck-uppery and ass-hatiness may never have been equalled in the history of modern organized sports. Buffaloes - you embarrassed yourselves and you embarrassed me. Yet I forgive you. Because I love just as my own offspring for you have chosen to be Buffs. Now get back out there and this time try really hard not to be so.... bad. K, thanks.
Moving on.
Well guess who's coming to town - Hawaii! God, I love it. I frickin' love it. For I have a long standing crush on [insert favorite deity's name]'s Chosen People. Yes, that's right - I love Polynesians. Don't get me wrong, I love all the people of all the races (Nebraskans excepted). It's just that I love Polynesians the most.
Why do I love them the most? Let me count the reasons.
Physical stature
Mother nature assembled a DNA cocktail heavy on braun and speed. As if she had football on her mind from the beginning. And of course she did.
Handsomeness
The islanders sport bronze skin, square jaws, broad smiles and... wew, is it getting hot in here? Hey is that Doug Bonnie?
Ferocity
The Polynesians, after all, are warriors. Battle is an ancient and revered part of their proud culture. But they perform it with honor and respect for their opponent - who they will eventually maim, kill, behead and make jewelry from. The most awesome modern display of this ferocity is portrayed in the war dance (Haka) performed pre-game by the Hawai'i football team. View this:
If you are an opposing player, you just shat yourself.
Style
These big, beuatiful bastards have style. There is much to love about a culture where grass skirts and flower necklaces are worn by men and women alike. And then there is the ukulele - a tiny guitar played by giants.
Homeland
Seriously. If there was ever a debate about who [insert favorite deity] loved most it would end with this statement: "And unto the Polynesians he/she gave... Polynesia."
Hair
The hair, it's fantastic. The long curly lochs. Flowing mane of pain! I'll be honest with you. Most white men with long hair look like either a) women or b) dirtbags. I can say this, I once had long hair - not a good look. But a Samoan man with long hair? Please. Women who see pictures of Troy Palamalu may become spontaneously impregnated.
Names
The Polynesian names are always, always the coolest on the roster. Such multi-syllabic, vowel-rific masterpieces are as fun to say as they are difficult to pronounce. Our own CU islanders include handles such as:
Liloa Nobriga
Max Tuioti-Mariner
Michael Sipili
Sione Tau
Kaiwi Crabb
And The Hawaii roster is predictably even more impressive, sporting such beauties as:
Alasi Toilolo
Kamalu Umu
Vaughn Meatoga
Ikaika Mahoe
London Sapolu
TJ Taimatuia
... the list goes on
So bottom line, friends. Nobody knows if we'll see the good Buffs who played a solid game and beat CSU soundly or the the bad Buffs who shat the bed at Cal. But what we do know is that on Saturday we will see plenly of the Chosen People on the turf of Folsom Field doing what they were genetically engineered to do - smash into opposing men with great passion and ferocity.
Come for the Haka, stay for the fun.
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