Better know a conference foe: USC

Continuing along the delightful journey into the Pac12, season 1:  Let us now get to know a bit about the University of Southern California.

Wikipedia facts and stuff:

• Nobel Laureates: 4 (CU has 8)
• Heisman Trophies: 7 (including Reggie Bush's which was returned due to cheating), CU has 1
• Football National Championships: 11 (Whoa!), CU has 1
• Astronauts: 16 (CU has 18)
• National Championships in Skiing: 0 (CU has 17 yo)

Alums: 

Louie Zamperini (read his biography, Unbroken, seriously), Ron Howard (Opie), George Lucas (Star Warrior), Will Ferrell (Ricky Bobby), Tom Selleck (Magnum P.I.), John Wayne (The Duke).  US Secretary of State Warren Christopher, General Norman Schwartzkopf, Randy Johnson (The Big Unit), Mark McGwire (Steroid enthusiast), Mark Sanchez (friend of Scotty McKnight), OJ Simpson (murderer).  Also various Prime Ministers of Jordan, Pakistan, Japan, Macedonia and South Korea as well as the current Interim Prime Minister of Libya.

Zamperini.  Read the biography.

"Hello?  Where's my shirt?"

"Why I've picked bigger tailbacks than you out of my hat."

"I someday plan to murder this many people."

One of the conundrums of switching conferences is that you don't yet know who to hate.  In our previous conference we spent decades getting to know, and really hate, Nebraska.  But in the Pac12 everyone seems so likable, at least at first glance.  Surely there's someone to hate, right?

Right.

As I've done exhaustive research on this topic - mostly by polling Pac10 Alums - there is one common thread.  Everyone hates USC.  Here's why.

Though they may be smarter, more handsome and wealthier than Nebraskans, they possess the same self important douchebagery that we've come to know and loathe.  They are entitled, spoiled, self-involved, ignorant dickheads.  And, like Nebraska, they have a long and storied history of cheating.

To him, the money was showed

But folks tend to look past those deplorable attributes because, unlike Nebraska, USC has a reasonable reputable academic institution.  Also unlike Nebraska, USC has the Song Girls.

I don't think they actually sing

Because of all the cheating, USC is not eligible to play in a bowl game this year.  And because of all the losing, CU is also not eligible to play in a bowl game this year.  So we've got that in common.  But that's sort of where the parallels end.

USC is once again ass deep in blue chips players.  They feature Matt Barkely at QB and Robert Woods at WR.  They are good at the football.  

Competent

But they have a coach who is generally regarded as a half-wit doofus.  Lane Kiffin has had a storied coaching career.  And the story is that he continues to fail upward.  He kind of sucked as head coach at Oakland and Tennessee which somehow led to his hiring at the American Football Mecca of USC.  As the great blog EDSBS.com once said, no matter how many times he screws up he'll "fall dick-first into a gutter filled with money and beautiful women, because this is what seems to happen to Lane Kiffin."

"I have no idea why this keeps happening."

Still, I welcome the Trojans to Boulder.  Despite my best efforts, I can't really hate them.  I mean, where would the world be today without all those condoms?  Yeah condoms!