Chez Hawkins

(Scene: A lovely restaurant in the finest Boulder location. A hair-gelled mater dei stands smiling as you enter.)

Mater Dei Dan: Hello, and welcome to Chez Hawk - finest dining experience you'll ever have, guaranteed. I'm Dan and I'll be your host.

Female patron: Wow, "guaranteed" quite a claim! The place really is lovely, I can't wait to get started.

Mater Dei Dan: Now please step this way, I have a charming little table for the two of you.

(Dan leads the well coiffed couple to a lovely table with a view of the Flatirons. Soft music plays, cool air blows in through the window. Seemingly the perfect night.)

Mater Dei Dan: Madame, messieur - please sit. Allow me to tell you about our specials this evening. We have a fire-roasted rack of lamb with a red wine reduction accompanied by local new potatoes. Also we are featuring a baked Mud Hen, cooked in its own juices, flavored with lemon and surrounded by root vegetables and served in a Glass Bowl.

Patron Couple: (in unison) Sounds amazing!

Mater Dei Dan: Your server will be right with you.

Male patron: You know I came to this restaurant last year and it wasn't that good. Looks like they've got it together this year, though. Could be the top restaurant in this region!

Busboy: Allow me to fill your glasses with this fine sparkling water. (opens bottle, sprays female patron in the face.) Terribly sorry, that sometimes happens. (nonchalantly shuffles off).

Patron couple: (Gasp in surprise, then shrug and laugh it off)

Waiter: Good evening folks, can I get you started with some appetizers...

(Cut to two hours later. Patron Couple, enraged and in shambles, stumble to the mater dei stand)

Mater Dei Dan: Folks I hope you enjoyed you evening with us. I trust everything was satisfactory?

Male Patron: (shouting) SATISFACTORY!? WHY I'VE NEVER HAD A WORSE DINING EXPERIENCE IN MY LIFE! WE HAD WATER SPILLED ON US, THE BREAD WAS MOLDY, THE CHEESE WAS RANCID, THE MEAT WAS GANGEROUS, THE SILVERWARE WAS DIRTY, THE WINE WAS ALMOST CERTAIN HALF CAT URINE, THE BUSBOY SET MY TIE ON FIRE, MY WIFE'S ENTREE WAS COVERED IN BROKEN GLASS AND THE SALAD CONTAINED WHAT APPEARED TO BE A CAT TURD! WE COULD HEAR SCREAMS OF UTTER ANGUISH COMING FROM THE KITCHEN, WHICH WAS OBVIOUSLY EXPERIENCING A FIVE ALARM FIRE! AND THE TOILET IN THE RESTROOM WAS BACKING UP WITH RAW SEWAGE WHICH RAN ACROSS THE FLOOR AND RIGHT UNDER OUR TABLE! THIS IS A TRAVESTY, YOU PEOPLE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE DOING!

Mater Dei Dan: Yes, well things didn't go exactly as planned. No need to get upset. We'll do better next time. Just have to focus on the little things. (shrugs innocently)

Patron Couple: (Stares at Mater Dei Dan in stunned disbelief and barely contained rage.)

Mater Dei Dan: (Looking back in calm, almost bored dispassion.) Be sure to join us next week. Our special will be grass fed Wyoming Cowboy skirt steak. The best you've ever had, guaranteed. Now, how will you be paying this evening?

(end scene)