After a day of enjoying the rarely seen BLOWOUT win over the RedHawks, the joy quickly faded as the terrible specter of the Oklahoma Sooners loomed. Why oh why, Football Gods, must the buzz be so quickly and terrifyingly killed?! Why must the plucky upstart Buffs be subjected so soon to the heartless killing machine that is the Oklahoma Sooners? Those young Buffalo soldiers were just beginning to see sunlight after lo these many dark months. And now they are destined to suffer mightily under the boot heal of the enraged overlord that is Bob Stoops. Oh, why, why, why!!?!!
[ahem]
I interrupt this gnashing of teeth and shouting at the heavens to relay a bit of personal information which may strike you as a bit off topic but whose relevance will soon enough be evident.
As you know, I'm a geek. I studied engineering and have made a career in the world of software. And not the cool kind of software either like the kind that plays music, edits photos or simulates flying a fighter jet. No I make software that other geeks use to make other, only slightly less boring software. So I'm a deep, undeniably nerdy geek dork. You already knew that. But what you didn't know will shock you to your very core and leave you questioning everything that you thought you knew about nerdy geek dorks such as myself.
I'm not a fan of Star Wars.
[pause while you pick yourself up off the floor, stumble to the sink to splash some cold water on your face, return to computer]
It's true. I saw that one episode that came out in 1976. It was OK. I think I even saw another one years later but I don't know which one it was. Honestly, I don't even know how many episodes there are. And I don't care. I'm just not into Star Wars. Please don't tell my colleagues. This secret has been well kept for years. I'm sure that if ever I am outed, I will immediately and irreparably lose any nerdy geek dork cred that I may have. I'll be cast out of the nerdy geek dork clan forever. Not suitable for the mainstream, non-geek crowd I will be destined to walk alone in this world. A man without a country...
I disclose this bit of embarrassing information as a prelude and an apology for the post that I am about to write (yes, we'll get rolling here in just a minute, football fans). Though I know precious little about the Star Wars franchise, I do recall the general gist of the original 1976 offering and I'm about to evoke that plot as I analyze this week's Buffs-Sooners match-up. I'm bound to get some facts wrong but forgive me for I am an incomplete geek.
Here goes:
Imagine the characters...
Darth Vader = Bob Stoops
More machine than man, powerful, ruthless, widely feared, unlovable, visor-wearer, evil genius, intergalactic asshole.
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Storm Troopers = Sooner players of any generation
Devoted followers of despotic Vader/Stoops, voracious killers, clone-like (if one goes down another appears who looks and performs just like the last), efficient, unfeeling, intimidating, wearers of cod-pieces.
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Obi-Wan Kenobi = Dan Hawkins
Zen-like philosopher, gentle demeanor, wielder of sabers, believer in the Force, speaker of cool-sounding but head-scratching sound bites.
 |  |
Princess Leia = Mike Bohn
Beloved, decisive leader of the Rebel Alliance, good-looking, smooth, strong yet feminine.
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Luke Skywalker = Cody Hawkins
Goofy, inexperienced country boy, fearless, cock-sure, loves old Obi-Wan/Dan but thinks he's slightly insane, short, chicks don't take him seriously.
| |
Han Solo = Jordon Dizon
Swash-buckling veteran of many battles, possessor of scars, wily, natural leader, chicks dig him, hangs out with large hairy guys.
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Chewbacca = Michael Sipili
Immense, fur covered warrior of great strength and loyalty, known to act on instinct rather than considering consequences, currently suspended.
 |  |
Rebel Alliance = 2007 Buff Team
Rag-tag assembly of earnest and lovable misfits, fearless in the face of overwhelming odds, scrappy, cunning, occasionally smelly.
 |  |
Death Star = 2007 Sooner Team
Greatest killing machine ever built, able to annihilate entire worlds in an instant, technically superior to all other stars in every way, totally unassailable - or is it...?
 |  |
[opening credits]
In a galaxy not far away...
[scene 1]
Mike Bohn: "Help us, Dan Hawkins, you are our only hope..."
Dan Hawkins: "An archer seeks not the target but to become the bow."
Mike Bohn: "You know what, just seek the target!"
Dan Hawkins: "Got it, chief!"
[scene 2]
Cody Hawkins: "When am I gonna get some real excitement?"
Dan Hawkins: "As soon as you learn to use the Force, my son."
Cody Hawkins: "If by "Force" you mean "Statue of Liberty", roger that oh wise one!"
[scene 3]
Dan Hawkins: "These are not the 'roids you're looking for."
Sooner Players: "These are not the 'roids we're looking for."
[scene 4]
(Bar room full of strange, menacing creatures drinking bubbling blue grog. One 3-eyed goon looks sideways at Dizon. Sipili beats the living crap out of said goon.)
[scene 5]
Bob Stoops: "Dark Emperor, I'd like to demonstrate the power of my new weapon, the 2007 Oklahoma Sooners."
Dark Emperor: "How will you demonstrate it, Lord Stoops?"
Bob Stoops: "See that hideously colored planet over there, I think it's called planet Miami of the Florida Galaxy? Watch this!"
(presses button, Miami is disintegrated in one spectacular ball of fire)
Elsewhere, Dan Hawkins: "I feel a great disturbance in the Force."
[scene 6]
Cody Hawkins: "Jordon, let me hang out with you."
Jordon Dizon: "Listen kid, I don't have time to babysit you."
Cody Hawkins: "But I could help fly this old junker."
Jordon Dizon: "Old junker!? I'll have you know that this 'old junker' once won a National Championship!"
Cody Hawkins: "Yeah? In which eon?"
Jordon Dizon: "Smartass! You're so lucky Sipili isn't here right now."
[scene 7]
(Buff Team in small skirmish with the forces of Miami of the Ohio Galaxy. Young Cody shows remarkable skill at times, only occasionally throwing a pick.)
Dan Hawkins: "Use the Force my son."
Cody Hawkins: "What does that even mean!? And why do I have to wear this blindfold anyway?"
[scene 8]
Dan Hawkins: "The Sooner Empire seeks to destroy our world. Our team is the last defense of the great Colorado way. We cannot fail for our mission is righteous. As the great Japanese philosopher once said..."
Jordon Dizon to Cody: "Dude, how long is this guy going to prattle on, it's almost kickoff?"
Cody Hawkins: "Yeah, screw this. Let's get into this battle. This cooky bastard will still be here yammering away when we get back."
[scene 9]
(Jordon and Cody deftly driving their respective vehicles through fierce enemy fire. They take hit after hit but somehow survive the battle coming closer to the goal. As time expires, Cody (while literally on fire) delivers one last shot which, against all odds, finds it's target. KABOOM! The Sooner Death Star is destroyed in one fiery explosion. Moments later, Lord Stoops is seen jettisoning out into space while cursing and throwing his visor.)
Bob Stoops (shaking fist): "I'll get you yet, Hawkinsssssssssssss...."
[scene 10]
(Jubilant, victorious Buffs return the locker room to find Dan Hawkins still expounding on the benefits of yoga, a healthy diet and the writings of the late President William Taft.)
Jordon Dizon: "Is he always like this?"
Cody Hawkins: " 'Fraid so."
Jordon Dizon, shaking head: "Anyway... Cody, you can be my wingman anytime!"
Cody Hawkins: "Wrong cinematic metaphor, buddy. We'll evoke Top Gun next week."
[roll credits]
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