Baylor, you will not be missed.
Your school of Baptist affiliation has been a parochial blemish on an otherwise secular conference. If religion is your thing, fine. But let's save it for Sunday school and keep it out of the universities, yo. Apologies to Notre Dame, Boston College and BYU - but you too are not welcome in my athletic conference.
Your school is located in Waco, Texas, a place I've never been.
Yet it is widely slandered even among Texans. Therefore a rational man can only concluded that , "Holy Jebus, that place is a shithole"."True dat," adds Janet Reno.
Additional ridicule fodder sits in the University president's office. His name is Kenneth Starr who spent the better half of the '90s literally obsessed with the whereabouts of Bill Clinton's wiener. Now he's in charge of educating the young Baptists of Central Texas.And the final reason I dislike Baylor... two words Jeff Brunner. In 1993, Buff defensive tackle Jeff Brunner - the finest football player ever to emerge from the hallowed halls of Sterling High School - was rolled up on in a pileup early in the contest that would become a severe beating of the Bears by the Buffs. Jeff's knee was torn to shreds and he never played football again. Curses, Baylor [shakes fist angrily]!
So what now to expect of this final contest between the Buffs and the Baptists?
Well, Baylor is quite good on offense. They sport one of the finest quarterbacks in the Big XII - a gent with the very august name of Robert Griffin III. RG3 is the most terrifying sort of QB - the fabled "dual threat". Think of him as the praying man's Denard Robinson. 
But the Buff D fears no man and has been the most consistently good unit of an otherwise wildly inconsistent team. Sadly though the defensive backfield has been devastated throughout the season by unfortunate injuries to key personnel. The most recent of the attrits is leading tackler Anthony Perkins - the helmut-less human flight pioneer from the Mizzou match. His was one of the most horrific collisions I've witnessed in my long football witnessing career. Perkins asploded his ACL on this play just before halftime but still played the rest of the game. We'll miss you, Anthony, but I promise you a special feature in an upcoming edition of "Profiles in Badassery."
On the other side of the ball, more bad news. Tyler Hansen has suffered a bruised ego as a result of his inexplicable benching in the 3rd quarter of the Mizzou game. In additional injury news, Brain Lockridge, who had become an excellent #2 in the suddenly potent Colorado 1-2 punch ground game, also suffered a season ending injury. Not good. However, Baylor's defense has become accustomed half-heartedly gesturing at opposing ball carriers as they rumble past en route to the end zone. So we're going to score some points.
However don't expect those points to come in batches of 3. The horrendous CU kicking game continued apace in the Mizzou game where both Aric Goodman and Justin Castor took turns at failure. Both those gents have been relieved of duty in order to make way for Marcus Kirkwood - the giant beanpole of a kicker who (brace yourself) will be playing in the first football game of his life on Saturday against Baylor. Hey, what do we have to lose - let the beanpole legend begin!The last bit of notable good news is that, despite the road woes, the Buffs home turf is thus far unblemished. The presence of Ralphie makes the Buffs strong.
We win this final match with Baylor before riding off into the West Coast sunshine leaving Baylor to ride out the remaining short life of the Big XII. When the conference inevitably disintegrates in two years time, I fully expect for Baylor to land in the Sunbelt or some equally obscure conference where they should have been from the beginning. Weep if you must, Bears. You can seek solace in the caring arms of your lord and savior, Kenneth Starr.
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