Cripple fight

I've spent the last week fruitlessly attempting to purge my memory of the brutal 58-0 beating that was administered to the Buffs by Mizzou last weekend. I've been at this college football fanatic business for many years now and I can honestly tell you that this loss was among the most reprehensible. All props to Missouri for playing an excellent game, but the Buffs displayed a level of dispassion and dip-shittery so acute that everyone who watched is now sadder and dumber for it. Buffaloes, you know I love you, but I award you no points and may God have mercy on your souls:


OK. What's next? The Buffs now travel to Texas A&M to take on the similarly hapless Aggies. TAMU is going through one of those dreaded "coaching transitions" which can only mean that they are engulfed in flames that refuse to be dampened by the river of tears cried by their fans. In other words, they are us two years ago. But buck up, Aggies look how far we've come! You're just 2 short years away from maybe being a .500 team. Soldier on, now.

This tilt will not be pretty. Two poor teams finding new and interesting ways to disgrace my life's passion. The only redeemable thing about this matchup is that the television networks have seen fit to not broadcast it - lest our eyes be blinded by the potential horrors to be wrought upon the turf of Kyle Field. You'll listen to the broadcast on the radio, of course. I recommend doing so while watching tape of the "Miracle in Michigan". You'll be glad you did.

Crazy? Crazy like a Hawk!

If you are a student of the ancient art of combat, as I am, you know that there are but two over arching heuristics that should always guide you on the the field of battle:

1) Never bring a knife to a gun fight
2) Never fight an insane person

These guiding principles create a conundrum for both Missouri Coach Gary Pinkel and CU Coach Dan Hawkins this week.

You see, Hawkins brings a clearly outmatched team to Columbia, Missouri this weekend to face the fearsome (if somewhat blemished) Mizzou Tigers. The offensive weapons presented by MU are as terrifying of a grouping as I have seen in the Big XII North in recent memory. Chase Daniel, Jeremy Maclin, Chase Coffman are just a few of the awe inspiring athletes who aim to batter our Buffs. All respect to the Tigers - they are indeed bringing a gun to this fight. The Buffs, sadly, bring a knife.

On the other hand, that knife will be wielded by a certifiably insane man, our beloved Dan Hawkins. This is the man who just last week baffled the Kansas State coaching staff by randomly inserting a previously unknown, redshirting, 5th string quarterback Tyler Hansen into the game and asking him to run around like a chimp on meth. This crazy "strategy" actually worked, and the Buffs pulled off a weird win. If you are Gary Pinkel tonight, you are lying awake in bed wondering what ridiculous move that crackpot Hawkins will pull this week... equipment manager sent in to kick field goals, Cody at linebacker, the swinging gate formation, fumblruski, punt on 3rd down?

With these factors at play, I don't think anyone can predict just what will happen on Saturday in Columbia. We'll just have to tune in and find out what sort of madness the night has in store for us.

In completely irrelevant and unrelated news, Chase Daniel eats boogers:


Adventures in academic excellence - a profile of Kansas State University

Let's see, who is on the schedule this week? Oh, Kansas State that famous outpost of learning that has launched the career of many a astronaut big box retail employee.

For nearly as long as I can remember, K-State football has made it's living by recruiting junior college players. The kind of guys who probably couldn't be admitted to any other accredited university in the country are routinely welcomed with open arms onto the K-State campus. This amazes, and exasperates me. I don't mean to be an "elitist" or anything but, let's be honest, so-called "junior colleges" are essentially the sub-prime mortgages of the education world. They accept every miscreant who walks through the door, rarely get paid, and ultimately threaten to topple the entire education system with their reckless and unqualified student bodies. Ultimately and predictably, they'll be asking us to bail them out - of jail, that is.

Quick poll:
Your average junior college instructor is:

a) fulfilling a court mandated community service
b) selling dope
c) trembling in fear
d) wearing a kevlar vest
e) all of the above

(The answer is "e". If you are a junior college student, you answered "7")

This year's K-State rosters is perhaps the most JC-rific lineup of all times. A quick scan through the team's website reveals 37 players who have come to KSU via JCs, CCs and similar institutions just this side of state prison. Behold the alma maters par excelence:

Harbor CC
Santa Barbara CC
Coffeyville College
Garden City CC
Butler County CC
Tyler JC
Independence CC
Hutchinson JC
Miss. Delta CC
Johnson County CC
Emporia State
Rainy River CC
El Camino CC
College of San Mateo
Santa Rosa JC
Copiah-Lincoln CC
Sacramento CC
Compton CC
Bakersfield College
San Francisco CC

Ahh, the swelling pride that must be felt by a K-State booster as he gazes upon the student-athletes who represent his school. His other source of pride is the handsome and inspiring mascot, Willie the Wildcat:


May Buddha ave mercy on your soul, K-State.

The enormous opportunity - Jayhawks

Someday soon we'll all look back and remember when Kansas was good. As sudden and improbable as their rise has been, their fall will be equally swift. Coach Mangino is a morbidly obese genius who has taken the forlorn-est of college football programs and turned it into a winner. But each beat of his massive heart brings him one second closer to the coronary embolism which is his fate. And as goes Mangino, so goes Kansas.

Do not get me wrong, I harbor no animosity toward Kansas nor Coach Mangino. He's unapologetically grotesque and undeniably gifted at coaching the game of football. That's cool, my friends, damn cool. Hey Koolaid!


Who knows, maybe that great turning point will come Saturday. Perhaps the Buffs will rise up from the morass in which they currently find themselves. The Buffs offense will begin to click once again, the defense will wrap up Todd Reesing and the special teams will stop embarrassing themselves. I fear that the shocking turn of events will dislodge some enormous Crisco crystal deep within a Mangino central artery. As that coronary iceberg winds it's way through the caverns of cookie dough that line the coach's veins, the end draws closer for the Kansas Jayhawks football glory days.

So live it up Jayhawks for the reunion with the conference doormat is nigh. Soon all you'll have is fantastic basketball, miles of bucolic grasslands and, of course, batshit crazy creationist zealots.

Go Buffs!

I forgive you, Mack Brown

Ahhh, Texas. It's been a while since we've seen those boys. Let's see when was that? Oh yeah, 2005 Big XII championship game. How'd that turn out?


Oh that's right. With the UT blowout (final score 70-3) well underway, Texas continued to blitz Joel Klatt in a murderous rage until, at last, they ended his storied CU career with this concussing blow to the jaw.

Really, no hard feelings. What's a little battery acid in an open, organs spilling out wound among friends right? Bygones.

I seek not revenge. Dan Hawkins has taught me to love my brother, turn the other cheek, and of course to seek not the target but to become the bow. I asked Hawk how the injustice that felled Joel Klatt can go unpunished. Guru Dan, paused, inhaled deeply and spake these words that I shall never forget and never comprehend - "The universe is a circle. Justice is nowhere and justice is everywhere." He smelt strongly of weed and musky BO.

So, gentle Buffalo follower, please come to old Folsom Field on Saturday night. Seek out a burnt orange clad visitor, embrace him, and tell him that you forgive him. Remind him that the universe is indeed a circle and wish him a full recovery from the unnecessarily malicious blitzing concussion that will one day scramble his gray matter. Then, if possible, pants him.

FSU - the name game

Yeah, I know. You want to read insightful analysis for the upcoming CU-FSU game. A game that, were CU to win, could launch us into the national rankings for the first time in years. You may want to know how the Buff O can hope to move the ball against terrifyingly enormous and fast 'Nole D. You might want to know if the offensive incompetence of FSU so far this season is an anomaly or a trend. Well, go read espn.com. I've got more important things to discuss here.

[Incidentally, I did just check espn.com and this was the headline:
Ahh c'mon, the Worldwide Leader editors did that on purpose, right?!]

Ahem, where was I?

Oh yes... You see, when I think of the vaunted Florida State football program I think "Boy, I bet they have some *awesome* names on their roster." I mean, who could forget Decody Fagg from last year? Let's investigate the current offering, shall we?

Wow, as I peruse the FSU roster, I am certainly not disappointed. But there are so many gems on this team, where to start? Better categorize:

"Apostro-rific" Category: (surprisingly only 2)
- D'Vontrey Richardson
- Ja'Baris Little

"I'll bet you several dollars you've never met a person with this name" Category:
- Ochuko Jenije
- Nathan O'Jibway
- Toddrick Verdell
- Dekoda Watson
- Ed Imeokparia
- Neefy Moffett
- Caz Piurowski
- Taiwan Easterling
- Tim Orange
- Toshmon Stevens

"Possible porn stage name" Category:
- Zach Hobby
- Will Furlong
- A.J. Ganguzza
- Budd Thacker

And finally, the "If the Heisman were based on awesome names, he'd be a finalist" Category:
- Mister Alexander


From a name standpoint, the Buffs absolutely cannot compete with the 'Noles.

As I read through our own roster, I am overcome with shame. Once again, it reads like role call at a suburban Cub Scout meeting. There's a Gardner, a Scotty, a Trace, a Dustin, a Cameron, 2 Devins and 2 Codys. Merit badges and neat haircuts abound!

Sure, there are a handful of possible porn stage names - gay porn stage names! Check it - BJ Beatty, Devin Head and DJ Dykes. Hot!

But alas there is saving grace and thy name is "Sons of Polynesia". The great rule of the universe is that the coolest, most vowel-rific names (and haircuts) come from the handsome and genetically freakish Pacific Islanders. CU always has a few and here they are:
- Michael Sipili
- Nate Vaiomounga
- Lynn ("That's right, LYNN!" glares menacingly) Katoa
- Sione Tau
and possible best football name EVER...
- Max Tuioti-Mariner


There you have it - the name game. Tune in next week as we explore the home towns and possibly majors of our next opponent.

Go Buffs!

Honey, I shrunk the backfield

The tremendous victory over West Virginia last Thursday was monumental for a Colorado program that has been steadily resurrecting itself under Coach Dan Hawkins. Beating a ranked team loaded with speed and talent before a national audience is just what the Buff doctor ordered. The tough times, of course, are not over for this team - especially with the typically brutal schedule we have to fight through. But big fun has returned, I suspect, to stay!

The most amazing thing about the game was the emergence of Rodney Stewart. If Speedy is not the mythical magical black leprechaun of lore then I just don't know who is. The nearly microscopic, lightly recruited, diminutive, very small Ohioan busted out for 166 yards rushing against the vaunted defense of West By God Virginia. It just goes to prove what the Dali Lama has always taught - "one cannot tackle what one can not perceive." True that, Lama.

Perhaps the improbable image of a midget quarterback and a leprechaun tailback standing behind the enormous CU O-line had a disorienting effect that rendered WVU coach, Bill Stewart, woozy and unable to call a time-out in order to give his team a shot at a winning field goal as time expired in regulation. Perhaps the apparent aneurysm was brought on by the "blackout" effect of 55,000 black clad, screaming, drunken (with enthusiasm!) fans. Regardless, karma wanted us to win this game in order to even a certain score. Win we did. The spontaneous celebration that followed exemplified everything that is right and beautiful about college football.



Go Buffs!

Thursday Night Club

Remember the 80s? Thursday night club - that was so cool! At least I thought it was probably pretty cool for you history majors to go out and party your asses off. Personally I was home, buried under a crushing class workload, sweating stress bullets about how I might never pass that Thermodynamics and Heat Transfer midterm. But I was happy for you. Really. Ahh, nostalgia.

Anyway... Thursday night once again springs magical. For this Thursday the Buffs host the (recently) top 10 West Virginia Mountaineers. The 'Eers boast a collection of speed rarely seen in these parts and a Heisman candidate quarterback named Pat White. Don't be fooled by the fact that WVU was upset by East Carolina in their last game, these guys are for real. This will be a revealing test in which we'll find out just how far our Buffs have come.

It's an historical matchup as well. Behold, facts and fact-like things:

• West Virginia is the 15th all-timing winningest major college football program while CU is 16th.
• CU and WVU have never played one another.
• The modern spread offense was largely pioneered at West Virginia.
• West Virginia's state theme song is "Take Me Home, Country Roads". Colorado's is "Rocky Mountain High". Both songs are by John Denver.
• West Virginia knows no equal in field of self-promotional t-shirt excellence. Exhibits A and B:

Moving on...

It should be a great matchup and a unique college football environment. Two storied programs meeting on a school night before a national audience. A crazed home crowd clad in all black creating a high altitude, dizzying veritgo never before experienced by Eastern types. Beloved CU alum and ESPN college football God, Chris Fowler calling the game. Special. CU Thursday!

Buffs go to Mars!

Pardon the brief departure from the topic of football. There is a bit of news today concerning our beloved University and its continued leadership in space explorations. See the excellent article at the Daily Camera about CU's $485M NASA grant for the upcoming MAVEN Mars mission. My favorite quote from the article:

CU receives more research dollars from NASA than any other university, and it is the only school in the world to have designed, built and launched instruments to every planet in the solar system.

Minds to match our mountains, kids. And we play football too - wooo!

EWU Eagles Eager to Eschew Ewes' Errors

Game 1 featured a rough around the edges Buffs performance. Many penalties and several missed opportunities. However, despite working out the kinks in a new offense, despite playing mostly freshmen and sophomores, despite playing a team who treats this as their ultimate game each year - despite all of that, the Buffs cruised to a comfortable victory over adorable little brother, CSU. Wow, it seems like ages since we began the season with a comfortable win. Hooray for cupcakes!

So at 1-0, the Buffs now prepare for their next opponent - the Eastern Washington Eagles. The Eagles hail from the subdivision previously know as D1-AA. Some may consider schools from the lower divisions to be pushovers, but we Buffs still sport open wounds from a certain beating by a certain D1-AA team just 2 years ago. So don't expect the Buffs to take the Eagles lightly. Humility is a valuable asset even if gained from the brutalest of nut-kickings.

No, EWU is no patsy. They are top 10 in their divion and they have an innovative offense that ran up well over 300 yards passing and 24 points against Texas Tech just last weekend. But what other interesting things are there to know about Eastern Washington University? Why literally ones of interesting things, my friends. For instance:

• Home = Cheney, Washington
• Year founded = 1882
• Original school name = Benjamin P. Cheney Academy
• Second school name = State Normal School
• Name of Mascot = Swoop (Nike lawyers, you are sleeping on the job)
• Famous Alumni = Launi Meili, gold medalist in women’s three-position smallbore rifle shooting at the 1992 Summer Olympics
• Number of players on roster with vowel-rific, Polynesian sounding names = 3

[Note to reader: Where else can you get this kind of scouting report? I can't believe that I do this for FREE!]

So we'll clearly have our work cut out for us as the delegates of this venerable Eastern Washington University visit us on Saturday and attempt once again to place foot firmly into our nether regions. So bring out your shoutin' shoes, Game 2 is on.

Go Buffs!

Super Bowl Sunday

The time is drawing near. The off-season is coming to a close. College football reappears to the joy of its waiting disciples. The universe comes into alignment yet again after lo these many months. Kickoff!

Yes, friends, it's back. Football is back. The Buffs finally take the field yet again on an early fall Sunday (!) evening at Mile High Stadium. The Cow State Rams play their Super Bowl, as usual, at the beginning of the season. We've seen it year after year. The goats play their best game of the season against the Buffs. On paper it almost always should be a blow out, but in reality it is almost always a dog fight. Bring your lunch, boys, we're in for a slog.

And a night game, no less. That could mean one and only one thing - CSU riot, tear gas and Denver police finally using those shiny night sticks that went untested during the DNC. Hoo boy, when the bumpkins come to the big city mayhem ensues!

As far as the game goes, his year's contest is particularly compelling. You see the elders over at Corn & Sorghum University decided to run off a certain coach by the name of Sonny Lubick. The same Sonny Lubick who recorded more wins than any CSU coach in history, who turned the CU/CSU game into the legitimate rivalry that it is today and for whom the field at the CSU stadium is named. Strange. In his place is a first year head coach by the name of Steve Fairchild. Never heard of him.

So, frankly, I don't know what to expect. Sure, the Buffs should win by a mile. But this game never has gone as predicted and isn't likely to start now. Welcome, Steve Fairchild (if that's your real name), to the donnybrook that is the Rocky Mountain Showdown. Sunday night, we dine in Hell!

Go Buffs!

Who Dey? Pre-season analysis part II - the defense

So now that Buffalover's insightful analysis has declared the 2008 Buff offense to be "good", let's quiet the celebration a bit and look honestly at our defense, shall we?

Defensive Line:
The interior of this line is perhaps the best we've seen in a decade. George Hypolite (pictured) and Brandon Nicholas are seasoned, senior, nasty, mean, tenacious, fierce defensive linemen. They will clog up the middle, prevent the run and occupy several blockers. These big uglies are so beautiful to me. On one end, they are joined by Mo Lucas - the Patrick Williams of the defense. Mo has always had the look of a world beater but has simply never arrived. This is the year for him to catch fire and wreak havok. He's our greatest hope for creating the QB pressure that we so obviously lacked last year.

Linebackers:
Let us all pause and thank Buddha for delivering to us the greatest linebacker coach in college football, Brian Cabral. This mustachioed magician has delivered another crop of outstanding 'backers. Though you can never, ever replace a guy like Jordan Dizon (pauses, sheds tear, thumps chest)... I tell you that the LB corp will be OK. Starting will be the trio of Jeff Smart, Marcus Burton and Brad Jones. There will be plenty of rotations though at these positions because the group is so deep. Michael Sipili (pictured), who returns after last year's suspension for after hours fisticuffs (the pass time of champions), will be a ferocious force. He is huge, fast and hits like a, well, Michael Sipili!

DBs:
Now for the sobering part of the analysis. Terrence Wheatley is now gone, playing in the NFL (pauses, sheds tear, thumps chest)... In his place are two new cornerbacks both small, both untested. The well apostrophied Cha'pelle Brown joins Garner McKay as the two most likely to be blamed for losses. At safety are the experience duo of DJ Dykes (insert sophomoric joke here) and Ryan Walters (pictured). Walter is the leader of this misfit crew and he is a good man. He is a second generation Buff and someone who will positively destroy his own body in order to inflict pain on opposing receivers. I love that man and I wish him godspeed in his pain inflicting mission.

Summary:
The good news is, we'll be great at stopping the run. The bad news is, we'll be poor at stopping the pass. That would be reasonably fantastic news if this was the Big 8 and the year was 1980. But alas it's the Big XII of 2008 and this conference flings the pig around a bit, no? So brace yourselves, brothers and sisters, we're in for a rocky ride.