FSU - the name game

Yeah, I know. You want to read insightful analysis for the upcoming CU-FSU game. A game that, were CU to win, could launch us into the national rankings for the first time in years. You may want to know how the Buff O can hope to move the ball against terrifyingly enormous and fast 'Nole D. You might want to know if the offensive incompetence of FSU so far this season is an anomaly or a trend. Well, go read espn.com. I've got more important things to discuss here.

[Incidentally, I did just check espn.com and this was the headline:
Ahh c'mon, the Worldwide Leader editors did that on purpose, right?!]

Ahem, where was I?

Oh yes... You see, when I think of the vaunted Florida State football program I think "Boy, I bet they have some *awesome* names on their roster." I mean, who could forget Decody Fagg from last year? Let's investigate the current offering, shall we?

Wow, as I peruse the FSU roster, I am certainly not disappointed. But there are so many gems on this team, where to start? Better categorize:

"Apostro-rific" Category: (surprisingly only 2)
- D'Vontrey Richardson
- Ja'Baris Little

"I'll bet you several dollars you've never met a person with this name" Category:
- Ochuko Jenije
- Nathan O'Jibway
- Toddrick Verdell
- Dekoda Watson
- Ed Imeokparia
- Neefy Moffett
- Caz Piurowski
- Taiwan Easterling
- Tim Orange
- Toshmon Stevens

"Possible porn stage name" Category:
- Zach Hobby
- Will Furlong
- A.J. Ganguzza
- Budd Thacker

And finally, the "If the Heisman were based on awesome names, he'd be a finalist" Category:
- Mister Alexander


From a name standpoint, the Buffs absolutely cannot compete with the 'Noles.

As I read through our own roster, I am overcome with shame. Once again, it reads like role call at a suburban Cub Scout meeting. There's a Gardner, a Scotty, a Trace, a Dustin, a Cameron, 2 Devins and 2 Codys. Merit badges and neat haircuts abound!

Sure, there are a handful of possible porn stage names - gay porn stage names! Check it - BJ Beatty, Devin Head and DJ Dykes. Hot!

But alas there is saving grace and thy name is "Sons of Polynesia". The great rule of the universe is that the coolest, most vowel-rific names (and haircuts) come from the handsome and genetically freakish Pacific Islanders. CU always has a few and here they are:
- Michael Sipili
- Nate Vaiomounga
- Lynn ("That's right, LYNN!" glares menacingly) Katoa
- Sione Tau
and possible best football name EVER...
- Max Tuioti-Mariner


There you have it - the name game. Tune in next week as we explore the home towns and possibly majors of our next opponent.

Go Buffs!