You've got rage. Focus the rage.

Friends of the Buffaloes,

Remember this lesson - sometimes the underdog wins.

Today it was reported that Dan Hawkins will be retained to coach the Colorado Buffaloes for 2010. Against all odds and conventional logic, Dan Hawkins will be allowed to continue coaching a BCS program.

This is undoubtedly the biggest come from behind victory of Dan's career.

For much of this season, Hawk has been written off and left for dead. I mean, when you begin the season by losing to CSU and then follow that shortly by getting torched by Toledo (!) your fate is already teetering on the brink. But then you follow that up with going 2-5 in conference, become estranged from the media, have the students organize powder blue protests, have the AD start saying "no comment" every time your name comes up and have every sports columnist on the planet speculating not about if you will be retained but rather who will be your replacement... well, your time for this world is clearly not long. Shoot even cheerful, perpetually glass half full bloggers are off inventing the 51st "way to leave your lover". The spectators of your career have left the stadium with time still left on the clock. Hey, might as well beat the traffic.

But then, BAM! Victory is snatched from the jaws of defeat! Improbably, unbelievably the man keeps his job. It seemed all but impossible just moments ago. But as those final seconds were about to tick off the clock, Dan Hawkins pulls the victory out of his butt.

It's not even clear that he actually was trying to save his job. Hey, why not collect a very nice severance package and move on down the road, possibly the Latvia? This turn of events was probably just as surprising and confusing to Dan as it was to you.

But the lesson is this - sometimes the underdog wins. Even if it's the weakest, lamest, ugliest, mangiest, stinkiest, hapless dog you've ever seen - sometimes he's going to win. And hey, isn't that way makes sports great? Yes, yes it is.

Still you are going through the emotions. First denial, then bewilderment and soon in all likelyhood, anger. Anger that this chump... this chump who has lost twice as many games as he's won, been the purveyor of the two worst embarrassments in school history (Montana State and Toledo), given up more sacks and penalty yards than can be counted... will be back to torture you for yet one more year. Anger turns to rage!

Actually, I'm sanguine about the deal. I've gone to my happy place where sunflowers bloom, rainbows dominate the sky, puppies lick my feet and Chris Brown scores 6 touchdowns against the Fuskers. Maybe this is for the best. Maybe Hawk will turn it around in year 5. Maybe he'll turn into the next Bill McCartney any day now. Hey, look, a unicorn!

But I realize that many of you have not yet gone to your happy place. You are currently in a boiling cauldron of rage. This is not right, it's not fair, it's unacceptable, you deserve a winning program, a competent coach, a Big XII Championship and a Heisman trophy winner. And you deserve it now, dammit! And only the continued employment of Coach Hawk stands between you and your just deserts. Rage, rage, RAGE!!!

I can't talk you out of it. Your emotions are your emotions and we're all just going to have to live with that. But I would like to make but one suggestion.

Channel that rage. Not at Hawk for what's done is done, at least for one more year. But channel that rage at the real enemy. Remember the real enemy? No matter what happens there will ever only be one Great Satan and he goes by the name of Nebraska Cornhusker and he will appear once again this Friday upon the holy ground of Folsom Field. So bring that raw emotion that you are feeling and channel it at the guys in red on a sunny afternoon in Boulder. There will be other days to groan and growl about your football coach, but the moment to focus on the enemy is upon us. So bring that emotion and let it rain down with great justice and furious anger upon the ears and psyches of the ones for whom there can never be enough suffering - NEBRASKA!

GO BUFFS!!!!!!

Silliness in Stillwater

OMG, the buffs are 3-7 and in disarray. They've lost to CSU, Toledo and Iowa State all in the same season - the rare crap tri-fecta! They haven't won a road game in over two years. The athletic department is broke. The coach is almost certainly about to be fired. And into Stillwater go the hapless Buffs for a Thursday night matchup against the talented and cash flush #12 ranked Cowboys of Oklahoma State.

So who will win this tilt? It's obvious you say? Well not so fast, my friend. Have you ever heard of the "Theory of the Worst Haircut"? Obviously not because I just made that shit up. The Theory goes like this - the team coached by the guy with the least bad haircut wins. So let's examine our competitors, shall we?

The battle of the haircuts.

Dan Hawkins. We got to know Dan Hawkins four long years ago as the goofy, gregarious, rambling and mostly lovable tousle haired prodigy:


[Tousle haired genius]

Well, the genius thing didn't really work out. Dan searched for an answer. And the answer he found was - change your hairstyle, that should solve everything.

[The gel, the gel, Oh God, the gel!]

Surprisingly, this solution did not pan out.

But Messier Hawkins will have some serious competition for worst haircut in "Oklahoma State T. Boone Pickens Tribute to Money That I Have and You Don't Stadium" on Thursday night. My lord, will he have some fierce competition. Meet Mike Gundy:

[That's not gel. Pure rage enables this hair style.]

In addition to being a joyless prick, Coach Gundy is a lifelong Cowboy having started four years as OSU's quarterback back in the '80s. I remember it well and this makes me feel old. But if you think Mike's current haircut is frightening, you should have seen it then.

[In my mind's eye, every male In Stillwater still sports this doo.]

So the coaching hairstyle competition is too close to call. Must mean the game is a tossup!

Here are the reasons the Buffs *might* win.

1. OSU's excellent QB, Zac Robinson, got his damned head plumb knocked off last week.



2. OSU's next and final regular season game is against their much hated rival, Oklahoma. Perhaps, like Texas, they'll be distracted by the Big Distracting Thing.
   
3. Dan Hawkins is a walking deadman. His job is almost certainly over in, like, 10 days time. You do not want to fight a man who has nothing, I mean nothing, to lose. You cannot defend terminal crazy.
   
4. The Buffs always inexplicably beat one good team per year. We thought that had already happened this year when we beat then #17 KU. But subsequent evidence reveals that Kansas is a bad, holy moly, super bad team. Neither do A&M nor Wyoming qualify as good teams. So, who knows, maybe OSU is this year's victim?
   

Profiles in Bad-assery: Scotty McKnight, that's right, Scotty McKnight

Stop laughing.

Scotty McKnight is a badass. He is short, he is slow, he is white, he has a haircut that looks like this, his name is Scotty. And he is a BAD ASS.

Behold.

* Since red-shirting in 2006, Scotty (originally a walk-on), has never missed a game. This despite suffering several injuries including a wicked concussion earlier this year.

* Scotty has caught at least one pass in every game that he has played.

* Scotty has led the team in receiving in each of the last 3 seasons.

* Three quarters of the way through is junior year, Scotty is closing in on nearly every significant CU receiving record. Including those possessed by the likes of noted badasses Charles E. Johnson and Michael Fucking Westbrook.

* Scotty rushes to the assistance of fellow students who have had serious cycling accidents.

* Scotty's dad is an undercover narcotics cop in Los Angeles.

* Scotty even recovers teammates fumbles and scores touchdowns as he did when Sumler fumbled inside the 10 against Wyoming this year.

* Scotty's best friend is Mark Sanchez who takes time out of his busy schedule as an NFL quarterback to fly to Boulder to watch Scotty play.

* Your wife is having a pretend affair with Scotty right now. With your blessing.

Simply put, Scotty is a selfless, over-achieving kid who works his ass off and performs every week. On a team where many of his team-mates and coaches make bone-headed errors every week, Scotty is a beacon of consistent excellent performance.

I think that the world would be a better place if everyone would pause each time they encounter a challenge in life and ask themselves, "What would Scotty McKnight do?" Except perhaps when they are getting a haircut.

It's not you, it's me... But mostly you.

Honey, we have to talk.

Come here, sit down. Let me pour you a glass of wine. There right to the top.

So, there's no easy way to say this but... It's not you... it's me. I'm just not satisfied with... you.

Look, this whole relationship was sort of crazy from the start. Hard to believe that it was four years ago... seems so much longer. You were a handsome, wholesome country boy who seemed to have all the right answers. I was a naive schoolgirl coming off a bad relationship. We had one crazy weekend together, everything seemed to click and BOOM! we were married.

But you know, it just was never right. I've known it ever since the Montana State incident. I think you knew it too. But we put on the act for the kids and our friends. We both wanted them to be happy. But between the two of us - there was never true love...

Oh, I know. It hurts to hear it said so bluntly out loud. But you know it too, you have to.

The passion has long since passed. And the sex - there's just no spark there any more. It's like we're on different pages. I want to go straight down the middle with the occasional double reverse to keep things interesting. And you... well frankly I can't even tell what it is you're trying to do...

So, what I'm saying is this. I think it's time for both of us to move on with our lives. Separately. I'm sure you'll find someone who can give you the love and support that you need. Perhaps at a rural, division II school. Or an experimental league in, say, Latvia. That would be nice for you. Me? I'll be fine. I suppose this old gal can still find a gent who shares her interests and values. Someone worldly, dashing, handsome, competent, someone who doesn't run wide sweeps on 4th and inches... Oh, sorry... I forgot you were still sitting there for a sec.

Anyhoo... The kids. They're going to be so upset. I mean Cody is *already* upset - I'm afraid that he'll never speak to either one of us again. And the others... Sure, the older ones know what's going on. But the youngsters, the freshmen and sophomores, they'll just be crushed. It'll be like Toledo all over again for them. I think we should wait until after the holidays to break the news to them. At least until after Thanksgiving.

So there it is. Don't look so glum. Let's just remember the good times. Oklahoma, West Virginia, Kansas. Those were good. Just don't dwell on the negatives, just put those behind you. No need to even mention them, really... Like Montana State, Toledo, CSU, ISU, Baylor, Kai Maiava, Josh Smith, Darrell Scott, the horrible beatings by Missouri, the Baylor triple overtime. Those embarrassing failures, well, you just shouldn't dwell on them. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life, ya know? Who knows, maybe we'll beat Texas A&M and have a few more laughs together before we go our separate ways.

And you know, we'll always be friends. I'll always be there if you need someone to, uh, call or something. Long distance.

OK then, good talk. So you'll be moved out but 1st of December and, um, I think you should sleep in the spare bedroom in the mean time. I already moved your stuff in there. K, great.