Better know a conference foe: Oregon

Continuing our season long intro to our new associates, today we'll focus on the University of Oregon at Eugene.

Look familiar?

Duck facts:

• Nobel laureates: 2 (CU has 8)
• Astronauts: 0 (CU has 18)
• National Championships in Football: 0 (CU has 1)
• Heisman Trophies: 0 (CU has 1)
• National Championships in skiing: 0 (CU has 17)
• Famous alums: Howard Hesseman (Dr. Johnny Fever), Phil Knight (founder of Nike), Dan Fouts (man-bear), Steve Prefontaine (running legend).  Common thread among these famous Oregonians - crazy sexy facial hair.

What it used to be like to watch a Ducks game

"Children of Cambodia, these sneakers will not make themselves!"

Not shown: paw stuck in honey pot

The Man

Historically, Oregon football had been a weak to middling program.  Then Phil Knight got filthy rich and started pumping cash into the UO athletic department.  The team has steadily improved ever since, culminating last season when the Ducks played for the the national title - falling to Auburn.

Papa Phil has also spent his wealth assaulting the eyes of college football fans.  Just when you think the Oregon uniforms can't get any uglier...

BAM!

This year Oregon appears to be every bit as good as last year.  They lost a single game to LSU early in the season but have been obliterating all comers ever since.  Last week I watched in stunned amazement as they lost their starting quarterback Darron Thomas and starting tailback (and Heisman candidate) LaMichael James to injury yet STILL clobbered undefeated ASU.

These Ducks are wicked good.  How good?  Their star true freshman, DeAnthony Thomas, is known as Black Mamba.  That's how good.

Black Mamba!  I don't know what that means, but it frightens me.

Meanwhile the Buffs' star freshman, Brady Daigh, is known as "Just Brady".

Just Brady

By the way, young Brady will likely start at middle linebacker for the Buffs thanks to a season ending injury to Douglas Rippy.  Rippy is only the latest of a stunning rash of CU injuries.  I've never seen anything quite like it.  Not only have we lost our best two offensive players (Speedy & Richardson) we've also lost half of the offensive line, the best defensive player (the aforementioned Rippy) and 9 (yes NINE) cornerbacks.

Saturdays with the Buffs

But does that mean that the Buffs have no chance against the Ducks?  Probably.  But, hey, punchers chance.

Go Buffs!

Better know a conference foe: Washington

Continuing with the introductions to our new conference brethren.  Let's get to know the University of Washington.

Cherry blossoms, whoa!

The vitals stats:

• Astronauts: 10  (CU has 18)
• Nobel Prize Winners: 8  (CU has 8)
• National Championship in Football: 1 (CU has 1)
• National Championships in Skiing: 0 (CU has 17)
• Heisman Trophy winners: 0 (CU has 1)
• Famous alums: Tom Robbins (favorite author), Hope Solo (moderately attractive soccer goalie), Detlef Schrempf (NBA star with awesomest name ever), Kenny G (smooth jazz aficionado and hair model), Ed Viesturs (mountaineer), Rainn Wilson (Dwight from The Office), Ted Bundy (serial killer)

Dwight

Who here killed over 30 people, possibly as many as 100?

Look what the humidity does to my hair!

U-S-A!

Tailgating
I don't need to tell you that when it comes to college football there is nothing so important as tailgating.  We do a pretty good job of it in Boulder if I do say so myself - abundant sunshine, Flatirons views, grassy surfaces, good food.  But check this out.  At Washington they tailgate by boat.

OK, that's cool

I think every tailgate goes something like this:

Where was I?  Ahh, yes, football.  The 1-5 Buffs face the 4-1 Huskies.  Steve Sarkisian is in his third year as head coach at U-Dub where he has resurrected them from the tragic Tyrone Willingham era going 5-7 and 6-6 in his first two seasons.  Their offense is quarterbacked by Keith Price who is currently second in the nation in touchdown passes (17).  Meanwhile, members of the CU marching band are being recruited to play cornerback this weekend for the Buffs.

Grab a helmet, Billy!

The Buffs haven't won a road game since October 2008.  They are in a transition year.  The offensive line has been decimated by injuries.  The running game has been anemic.  The special team have been puke-inducingly awful.  The defensive backfield is a patchwork of conscripts.

And yet, the Buffs might somehow win this game.  College football is nothing if not flukey.  That's why I love it so.  Strange, ridiculous, unpredictable things happen every week.  Sometimes an inspired group of young men who don't know better rise up and do something special in a fateful moment.  Sometimes the ball bounces up into the hands of an unsuspecting defensive tackle, sometimes a hail mary actually works.  It's a funny game, folks.  Don't ever miss it.

Sark Week!

Better know a conference foe: Stanford

Continuing our introduction to our new conference mates, this week we'll get to know a bit about Stanford.

The Farm

The Skinny:

• Astronauts:  0! (CU has 18)
• Nobel Prizes: 50!  (whoa!  CU has 7)
• National Championships in Football: 0 (CU has 1)
• Heisman Trophy Winners: 1 (Jim Plunkett) (CU has 1)
• National Championships in Skiing: 0 (CU has 17)
• Famous alums: Larry & Sergey (founders of Google), John Elway (John Elway)     ------ Meanwhile CU birthed Matt & Trey (creators of South Park), Steve Ells (Founder & CEO of Chipotle) [you are welcome, world]
• Stanford has won the NACDA Director's Cup acknowledging the best Division 1 collegiate athletics program 17 years in a row, and counting (CU has 0)

Wow.  Just wow.

Stanford is one of two private Universities in the Pac12.  Said differently, they are fucking loaded.  So in addition to being smart, having a gorgeous campus and being good at sports - they are super rich.  Admit it, you kind of secretly want to be Stanford.

Of course there are those (ahem... Cal) who would claim that Stanford are a bunch of self important, entitled pricks.  But really, aren't we all self important pricks?  But without the "important"?  So chill and give the Trees some respect.

The Tree.  Seriously.

So let's talk about football.  In recent years, Stanford has re-emerged as a fricking power-house program.  The resurgence was led by noted rage-aholic and beloved son of Michigan, Jim Harbaugh.

Anger!

Jim has recently taken his talent and explosive anger to the NFL but left behind a top five football program and the Heisman front runner - the aptly named (and ironically neck-bearded) Andrew Luck.

Actually not a Mennonite.

Stanford's offense has no apparent weakness.  This beautiful killing machine can both run the ball with authority and pass with stunning efficiency.  In the mean time due to injury and suspension, the Buffs will start kids at cornerback who only began playing defense one week ago.  One might image a scene such as this.

So is there a chance that the Buffs beat the Cardinal on Saturday?

Go Buffs!

[Seriously, no astronauts, Stanford?  Even Washington State has one.  (CU has 18)]

Better Know a Conference Foe: Washington State University

At last, the Buffs officially begin Pac12 play!  Following a lifetime in the Big8/12 it's time to meet our new mates to the West.  

First up - Washington State Cougars!

Scary!

So what do we know about this school?  

Well, I'll be honest with you.  Before today I only knew this about Washington State:

1) They are a university, presumably located within the State of Washington.  Somewhere in the east, I suppose.

2) They've been known to occasionally have giant, frankenstein looking quarterbacks (Bledsoe, Leaf).

Future pro-bowler

Future douchebag

* Their logo bears an eery resemblance to Kansas State's.

Swooshy cat

Swooshy cat with more pronounced whiskers

* The greatest college football announcer of all times, Keith Jackson, is a WSU alum.  The honorable Mr. Jackson called this memorable moment:

* Their football team is historically bad with occasional moments of unsustained competence.  Like the 1997 season in which they ascended to the Rose Bowl (and were summarily defeated by Michigan - high five!).

* Their flag has appeared in the background of every ESPN Gameday broadcast since October of 2003.

Chris, you were so young...

And that's about all I knew.  But knowledge is power, and I need power!  So off I went to Wikipedia to seek enlightenment (and power!).

Wikipedia facts:

* Famous-est alumni (aside from the aforementioned Jackson):  Edward R Murrow (no shit).

The dean of broadcast journalists

* Number of astronauts: (1  John M. Fabian)

CU has 18

* Number of Nobel Prize winners:  0

7.  CU has 7.

* Number of Heisman Trophy Winners: 0 

CU has 1

* National Championships in Football: 0

We have 1

* National Championships in Skiing: 0

17, son

So there you have it.  I dropped some serious WSU knowledge on your asses.  You're welcome.

Go Buffs!

THE Ohio State Contro-versity

Let's see, who do the Buffs draw this weekend? After starting off the season with Hawaii, Cal and CSU surely we have one patsy to complete the non-conference schedule. Ah crap, it's Ohio State.

Ohio State - who by the way refers to themselves as THE Ohio State University so as not to be confused with all of those other poseur universities from the state of Ohio - is a legendary football factory school.  The historical home of...

Respect

Archie Griffith, only 2 time winner of the Heisman Trophy:

Site of weekly spelling bees.

The famous Ohio Stadium, better known as "The Shoe" (presumably because of the smell):

Tough love is still love, asshole.

Coaching icon and puncher of helmeted youths, Woody Hayes:

Is that... a testicle?

Brutus the Buckeye mascot:

I know that dude!

President E Gordon Gee:

Wait, what was the thing about the drug trafficking investigation?

Jim Tressel, concealer of material truths, sweater vest aficionado:

Seriously, stop doing that.

Enthusiastic arm spellers:

Seen here holding a fat wallet

Body art enthusiast, Terrelle Pryor:

Class, he's got it

An unjustified hatred for my beloved Michigan Wolverines:

Who am I, why am I here?

And a new head coach named Luke Fickell.  Luke.  Fickell.

So THE Ohio State University has fallen on what for them qualifies as hard times.  Among scandal, their coach has been fired, their star quarterback has fled to the lawless regions of Raiderland and several players remain suspend for accepting improper benefits.  Worse, OSU has struggled early in the post Tressel era squeaking past Toledo (shifts in seat nervously) and losing to an unranked and similarly scandalized Miami.  They enter the Buff game reeling and searching for answers.

Meanwhile, the Bienembree regime at Colorado is finding itself.  While nobody in his right mind (pauses, introspects, moves on) would claim that the Buffs are remotely in the same league as Ohio State, the sense of possibility for CU is palpable.

Could this be the breakout moment for a young team and a new staff?  Could the Buffs break the 18 game road losing streak in dramatic fashion in the shrine of college football before 102,000 partisan fans?  Could this be the day in which the Buffs finally become relevant again, once and for all shaking off the stink of a decade of mediocrity?

Compelling questions, I got 'em.  Answers, I don't.

Go Buffs!

Spicoli Sees the Future (AKA fun with extrapolation)

(This week's guest blogger is Jeff Spicoli.  Take it away Jeff.)

I know that dude!

Hey bros.  Don't.  Panic.

I know, I know.  The Buffs are winless in the Bienembree Era.

Dude, I'm telling you, the new coaches are just getting their feet under them.  It's like in game 1, they had no feet under them, right?  But in game two, they had 1 foot under them.  You get where this is going?

Check it, bro - I'm here to tell you.  Seriously. I can see the future.  In game three, these coaches will have TWO feet under them.  See - first 0, then 1, then 2.

That's called "extrapolation".  It's science!

[laughs and coughs]

That's right, man.  And I got more of that ex-trap-o-lation for yo ass.  Check these stats from the first two games...

	Hawai'i	Cal	CSU (extrapolation)
CU sacks allowed	7	0	-7

Wait, what??  You can't have negative seven sacks, man...  Bad example. 

OK, OK.  Try this one...

	Hawai'i	Cal	CSU (extrapolation)
CU points allowed	34	36	38

So the Buffs will give up 38 points to the Rambos.  I know, sounds bad.  Sounds like a lot point-oes on the score board, no?

Ha!  Don't worry bro, we got you covered...

	Hawai'i	Cal	CSU (extrapolation)
CU points scored	17	33	64!

Yeaaah!  Buffs hang 64 on the Ram-dogs.  Hey-ohh!

Buh-bye

And check out my BROTHA Paul Richardson...

	Hawai'i	Cal	CSU (extrapolation)
P-Rich receptions	3	11	40!
P-Rich yards	49	284	1646!

Ah, damn, man.  P-Rich goes off for 1646 yards!  Hey, it's math broseph.  You can't deny MATH!

But hold-up, hold-up.  I'm gonna level with you right now.  The Buffs, they still got issues.  The fuck is up with the penalties, man???

	Hawai'i	Cal	CSU (extrapolation)
CU penalties	7	12	21
CU penalty yards	58	98	166

But look, son, you gotta live with that stink.  Sure the left guard, tight end or slot back is going to line up wrong, have an illegal procedure, unsportsmanlike conduct.  Like every other play.  You got to roll with that, bro.  That's the hair in the burrito, boss.  You still like the burrito - that's a damn delicious burrito.  But the hair, it's nasty.  Look, eat that hairy burrito and be a CHAMPION!

(The "hair" is the penalties...  The "burrito" is victory.  You got that, right?  Cool.)

So in summary, Buffs win this hairy game big.  The math proves it.

Go Buffs!