Quoth the Defense, "Nevermore"

Apropos it is to be playing the Missouri Tigers on Halloween. The recent Buff-Mizzou matchups have been ghastly and ghoulish. Fact: in the past 8 quarters of play against CU, Missouri has scored 113 points. One hundred and thirteen.

It's been a shit show, our defense has been helpless against the mighty Tiger offensive juggernaut. We were the French, they were the Germans. We were Grenada, they were the Marines. We were the Generals, they were the Globe Trotters. We were Charlie Brown, they were Lucy. Hopeless...

But this year is different. Gary Pinkel's Mizzou no longer has the magical Chase Daniel and the uncoverable Jeremy Macklin. In their place are the gimpy Blaine Gabbert and the fragile Denario Alexander. Furthermore, the 2009 CU defense has evolved into a snarling, nasty, mean, stubborn, swashbuckling bunch. They have been the buzz saw into which great offenses such as Texas and Kansas have unwittingly run. Buff fans in the know realize that, even through our recent losses, the D has been simply superb.

And this Saturday, that nasty Buff Defense will come to avenge the atrocities of the past two years. They will wage war upon the Tiger offense in a chilling and horrific manner. And Halloween 2009 will be a nightmare for Mizzou.

In the spirit of Halloween, I've borrowed and adapted the single greatest piece of terrifying literature of all time, "The Raven" from the brilliant Edgar Allan Poe. Enjoy.

The Defense (by Edgar Buffalover Poe)

Once upon a midday dreary, Pinkel pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of offensive lore--
While he nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As he came a gently rapping, rapping at the red-zone door.
"'T'will be a touchdown," he muttered, "tapping at the red-zone door--
Only this and nothing more."

Ah, distinctly he remembered last year in the bleak November,
And each drive he did engender wrought its way to endzone flannel.
Eagerly he wished the morrow;--vainly he had sought to borrow
From his heart surcease of sorrow--sorrow for the lost Daniel--
For the rare and radiant prince whom the angels name Daniel--
Gone forever just like my spaniel.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of his memory's curtain
Thrilled him--filled him with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of his heart, he stood repeating
"'Tis the time to be entreating entrance at the redzone door--
Naturally I'll be entreating entrance at the redzone door;
This it is and nothing more."

Presently his soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
"Sir," said he, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so now I'll come a tapping, tapping at the redzone door,
And now a pass to score against you"--here he opened wide the door--
Black shirts there and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long he stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to chance embrace;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered words, "Prince Chase?"
This he whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, "Replace!"--
Merely this and nothing more.

Downward then he flung the playbook, when, with many a scowl and gray look,
In there rushed a stately 'Backer of like saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he,
But, with mien of lord or lady, struck upon Blaine Gabbert's shore--
Lept upon the fleeing QB, just there on Blaine Gabbert's shore--
Sacked then flattened, and nothing more.

Then the 'backer quite beguiling stood above him snarling, smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance he wore,
"Though my crest be red and woolly, I," he said, "art your feared sacker,
Ghastly grim and redhead 'backer blitzing from the blind side shore--
Creamed us in the years past, truly, upon this team you'd score and score!"
Then quoth the 'backer, "Nevermore."

Then the Pinkel, standing lonely on the sideline, spat and moaned he
That one word, as if its soul in that one word he did outpour
Nothing farther need be uttered; the 'backer had his QB buttered--
Till he scarcely more than muttered: "Other friends have flown before--
On the next play we shall score, as my Hopes have flown before."
Said the Defense "Nevermore."

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
"Doubtless," said he, "what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore--
Till the dirges of his Hope that melancholy burden bore
Of 'Never--nevermore.'"

But the Defense still beguiling knocked his sad soul into smiling,
Straight he runs a QB draw now, pass fake then Blaine steps toward the fore;
One step forward and then quick sinking, bruised and dazed he lays there blinking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous D of yore--
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, mean, and ominous D of yore
Meant in shouting "Nevermore."

There Blaine sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the Safety whose fiery eyes now burned into his bosom's core;
This and more he sat divining, with his head in pain reclining
On green turf with chalky lining above him DBs gloated o'er,
But the endzones distant lining with the ball he'd not get o'er
There he'll go, ah, nevermore!

Well, look what the Cat dragged in

Recap:

The Buffs rose up in spectacular fashion Saturday to knock off undefeated, 17th ranked Kansas Jayhawks and their spectacular quarterback, Todd Reesing. The defense was fantastic - shutting down the running game, getting 6 sacks and withstanding not one but two furious red-zone rallies by the 'Hawks. On offense, new QB Tyler Hansen was fantastic in his first start of the season keeping plays alive with his feet and making great throws under pressure. Meanwhile Speedy Stewart spun and juked his way to another 100+ yard day. And let it be noted that Aric Goodman made two crucial field goals (please let the field goal dragon be slayed once and for all).

It was really a thrilling victory which instantly changed the tone of a season which began on such a sour note. Much work still to be done, but I couldn't be happier with the way the team has responded to adversity.

Onward:

Meanwhile at Kansas State, 500 year old Bill Snyder has been removed from cold storage and reanimated in an attempt to bring the K-State team back to life. It may be working. The Mildcats lit up Texas A&M last week to the tune of 62 points.

(This is where members of the McCabe family may want to stop reading)

So how does Bill Snyder do it? How did he take the losing-est program in history, located in a backwater outpost and make it into a consistent winning and indeed feared program for most of the 1990s and early 2000s? Well it has to do with a little thing called "pure evil".

The Bill Snyder success cookbook:
1) Call Satan. Sell soul. Have no soul? Sell children's souls.
2) Scour every Junior College and Correctional Institution in the country for illiterate felons with great speed and enormous size. Welcome them to your "school".
3) Schedule a non-conference line-up consisting primarily of schools with the words "north central", "community", hyphen or "orphanage" in their names.
4) Torture opponents with "Willie the Wildcat" guitar solos.
5) Somehow be the catalyst for the firing of the current coach of Texas A&M.
6) Creep people out with that expressionless face and grayish translucent skin.
7) Win 10 games a season.

Ode to a small, white quarterback

Wither the boy
Who tried the odds
And laid out valiantly

On fields of grid
Did he not trod
But rare triumphantly

And though he stood
Of stature short
And rarely reached the pylon

Fierce he did play
A brutal sport
Had he the heart of lion

Impugn him not
For most would blaze
Than muster self to bother

And appear before
the nation's gaze
And accept the blame for father

Amidst the losses
His team far down
Quitting was not discussed

Fight to the end
For a touchdown
Despite him being concussed

Gritty was he
But without strength
Sufficient over time

He could not go
The whole field length
When all was on the line


Alas the time
To bench him came
The day he had deplored

Dad should now say
We'll share the blame
Now carry a clip board

And now his fate
To wear headset
And signal the play call

To teammate who
God did beset
Fleet legs and stature tall

The lesson here
You must stand tall
Or QB life you're leasing

Unless of course
You play football
Just like you are Todd Reesing

Hey UT, look over there at the big distracting thing!

Hey Texas, look over there! It's Oklahoma, just one week away. Oh my, the Red River Rivalry looms large. Sure, Bob Stoops' bunch has dropped 2 games already in this young season. But when these two great teams get together, you can throw out the proverbial record books! Oh Nelly, I can hardly wait.

Mack Brown, you have to treat the OU game like the National Title Game. A win in Dallas could set you on the definitive track to the second National Title of your career. Think about it! You're a wildly successful coach at Texas but still second fiddle to that dead jackass, Darrell Royal. Win the title this year and they might change the name of your stadium from "Darrell K Royal - Memorial Stadium" to "Mack Brown Stadium". The kids will probably call it something cute like "The Brown House" or "The Mack Shack". But first you gotta beat OU.

And Colt McCoy! Dude, you could win the Heisman this year. Shoot, Tebow is out with a bruised brain. Sam Bradford is sitting with a Mormon induced shoulder injury. Colt, the trophy is yours for the taking! But if you don't beat big, bad Oklahoma all bets are off. Those damned East coast voters would probably love to give the Heisman to Eric Berry just to be cute. Make a statement at the Shootout in Dallas and they can't deny your claim to the little stiff-armer.

Will Muschamp, UT Defensive coordinator. I know you're a badass and the "coach in waiting" after Mack retires but don't be comfortable. An intense dude like you has to stay hungry. And what gets your blood boiling more than the smug visage of the be-visored Bob Stoops? Oh, they call him an "offensive genius". Harumph! You'll show him a who the genius is when your squad stones his O.

UT fans! You'd better be packing the car for that roadtrip to Dallas next week. You know those Dirt Burglers from up north are massing on the border at this very moment, preparing to take over the Cotton Bowl Stadium. Represent, Horns! You've got to show up big for this neutral field game. The crowd could be the difference. Man, I'll bet you're planning a tailgate party that is destined to become the stuff of legend...

'Horns, you better be focused on the OU matchup, it's the key to the season. And make sure your players are healthy. Don't risk getting anyone injured in this week's game. The big show is next week!

Hey by the way, who do you play this week? Oh, it's just Colorado. I hear those guys suck. Lost to Toledo, coached by Dan Hawkins, quarterbacked by a midget. Those hippies are probably planning to cancel football once and for all at that school. No need to worry about those guys. CU is nothing and you, UT, are Number 2 in the country - on your way to Number 1 if you can beat the hated Sooners next week. Meanwhile, Colorado is headed to the toilet. If a team like that plays the #2 team in the country, you just know they'll fold. That is all. Goodnight. You can stop reading right here and go get some rest for that big upcoming OU game! Good luck! Bye.

Make Welcome to Glorious Nation of West Virginiastan

(This week's guest blogger is Krygstor Zultkmzknyzsy, chancellor of the University of West Virginiastan)


Greetings to you our honored guest of Buffalo Colorado team of football.

We are please to make your visit to our country, Glorious Nation of West Virginiastan. Our motto "The 3rd world, here in America". So happy are we to be move up from 4th world - that was real shit place, no? Ha, ha ha ha!

Not often that the people of many United States come to visit Glorious West Virginiastan. Because mostly they do not know where are we. Also because we burn and eat them. (long pause) I make joke! Ha ha ha ha. After big rain of summer we no have fire to them burn... (trails off wistfully)

So come, come. Sit and I will teach of customs of my country. Please enjoy this traditional drink of make friendship. We call it "moonshinesktrzyg". With this we celebrate many occasions of things important - like game of football! Also weddings and stealing of goat. Drink friends, to West Virginiastan and new friends Buffalo Colorados, Drink!

(Everyone raises glass, drinks, then guests all spew the liquid into the air, choking and gagging. Krygstor smacks his lips and gazes approvingly at his empty glass.)

Yes, the moonshinesktrzyg is fresh just today from second best mule in town. Still warm too.

I will now tell you of my country for you to know better. We have many beautiful mountains which since big rain of summer no longer have burning... (trails off wistfully) Too we have much literacy and intelligent peoples - much better than those dipshits in Nebraskastan, no? Ha, ha, ha ha! Our main product of export is the, err, supplement so good - you know it as "Meth". We know it as "make sexy, fun, happy vitamin."

Our fine very University is of what we are most proud. It here is where our most promising youths learn skill and make party. Many students learn practice of chemistry in make the "vitamin" for export. Also bombs. We too train on career of make sexy time for money - you call it prostitution - very profitable for the young people. But most important we make the team football.

Here football is sacred activity. We make teams to have great battles with many schools of United States. Our players are heaped with much moonshinesktrzyg and prostitutes. But it is mostly special "vitamin" that makes them run so fast and hit so hard to make the bleeding. And the always gunfire.


So again, much welcome new friends Buffaloes. Now onto the grassy place for make football game and much pain!

Profiles in Bad-assery: BJ Beatty

In this week's edition of "Profiles" we will review Linebacker BJ Beatty's performance in the Wyoming game.

Before specifically mentioning the Wyo campaign and BJ's role in it, let us set some context.

First, for the uninitiated, let's review the noble role of the Linebacker. While Defensive Linemen exist to stuff the running lanes and Defensive Backs exist to defend the passing options, Linebackers exist primarily for the purpose of knocking the ever loving puddin' out the poor bastard who happens to be holding the football. As a coach once explained to me, the "raison d'être" of the humble linebacker is to get to the ball in a hurry and arrive in a bad mood.

The second piece of context is to consider what the CU defense experienced in the two games prior to Wyoming - namely, shameful defeat. First, defeat to the cross state rival with a first time starting quarterback and second, a 58 (58!) point explosion by Toledo (Toledo!). Both on national television. To Linebacker types who are raised to inflict pain on others, public spankings at the hands chumps do not sit well.

The third piece of context to understand is BJ's heritage. BJ hails from the great stat of Hawaii - obvious hotbed of Polynesian football prowess. BJ is half howley, the son of a former BYU linebacker, Byron Beatty, and cousin to former Buff All-American lineman and all around bad-ass, Chris Naeole. So the gridiron bloodlines and Islander pride runs deep through the veins of BJ. Also, BJ has long, curly red hair. Much like a "boy named Sue", growing up looking like that was bound to make BJ tough - like a violently insane Bozo the Clown. Good luck with that nightmare.

So back to BJ Beatty and the Wyoming performance. It is now easy to understand how BJ was feeling entering this game - the name of that feeling is pure, primal rage. But rather than allowing that rage to drive him to depression or simple insanity, BJ decided to channel that rage. And channel it he did - right through the sternums of the poor Wyoming quarterbacks and tailbacks! BJ's body became a vessel of violence and pain for those in white jerseys and helmets. His shoulder pads were named "anger" and "justice" and his silver helmet was named "redemption". To the Wyoming Cowboys, BJ became the embodiment of Samuel L Jackson in Pulp Fiction - only with long curly red hair, so way scarier:


And lay down his vengeance upon them he did. BJ's results were not unlike those of Samuel's in that classic scene. Blood spattered about the place and BJ and his mates standing over the fallen Cowboys in triumph and freshly released anger. That's ZERO points for you, vanquished opponent.

Will this new found fire of BJ and his brethren carry forward for the remainder of the season? We can only wait and watch. But let us bask for a few more moments in the shutout that was pitched in Folsom on Saturday. And salute a Linebacker who for one spectacular September afternoon self-realized in a perfect and vicious manner befitting the profession to which he was born. Respect, my brother. Respect.

Chez Hawkins

(Scene: A lovely restaurant in the finest Boulder location. A hair-gelled mater dei stands smiling as you enter.)

Mater Dei Dan: Hello, and welcome to Chez Hawk - finest dining experience you'll ever have, guaranteed. I'm Dan and I'll be your host.

Female patron: Wow, "guaranteed" quite a claim! The place really is lovely, I can't wait to get started.

Mater Dei Dan: Now please step this way, I have a charming little table for the two of you.

(Dan leads the well coiffed couple to a lovely table with a view of the Flatirons. Soft music plays, cool air blows in through the window. Seemingly the perfect night.)

Mater Dei Dan: Madame, messieur - please sit. Allow me to tell you about our specials this evening. We have a fire-roasted rack of lamb with a red wine reduction accompanied by local new potatoes. Also we are featuring a baked Mud Hen, cooked in its own juices, flavored with lemon and surrounded by root vegetables and served in a Glass Bowl.

Patron Couple: (in unison) Sounds amazing!

Mater Dei Dan: Your server will be right with you.

Male patron: You know I came to this restaurant last year and it wasn't that good. Looks like they've got it together this year, though. Could be the top restaurant in this region!

Busboy: Allow me to fill your glasses with this fine sparkling water. (opens bottle, sprays female patron in the face.) Terribly sorry, that sometimes happens. (nonchalantly shuffles off).

Patron couple: (Gasp in surprise, then shrug and laugh it off)

Waiter: Good evening folks, can I get you started with some appetizers...

(Cut to two hours later. Patron Couple, enraged and in shambles, stumble to the mater dei stand)

Mater Dei Dan: Folks I hope you enjoyed you evening with us. I trust everything was satisfactory?

Male Patron: (shouting) SATISFACTORY!? WHY I'VE NEVER HAD A WORSE DINING EXPERIENCE IN MY LIFE! WE HAD WATER SPILLED ON US, THE BREAD WAS MOLDY, THE CHEESE WAS RANCID, THE MEAT WAS GANGEROUS, THE SILVERWARE WAS DIRTY, THE WINE WAS ALMOST CERTAIN HALF CAT URINE, THE BUSBOY SET MY TIE ON FIRE, MY WIFE'S ENTREE WAS COVERED IN BROKEN GLASS AND THE SALAD CONTAINED WHAT APPEARED TO BE A CAT TURD! WE COULD HEAR SCREAMS OF UTTER ANGUISH COMING FROM THE KITCHEN, WHICH WAS OBVIOUSLY EXPERIENCING A FIVE ALARM FIRE! AND THE TOILET IN THE RESTROOM WAS BACKING UP WITH RAW SEWAGE WHICH RAN ACROSS THE FLOOR AND RIGHT UNDER OUR TABLE! THIS IS A TRAVESTY, YOU PEOPLE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE DOING!

Mater Dei Dan: Yes, well things didn't go exactly as planned. No need to get upset. We'll do better next time. Just have to focus on the little things. (shrugs innocently)

Patron Couple: (Stares at Mater Dei Dan in stunned disbelief and barely contained rage.)

Mater Dei Dan: (Looking back in calm, almost bored dispassion.) Be sure to join us next week. Our special will be grass fed Wyoming Cowboy skirt steak. The best you've ever had, guaranteed. Now, how will you be paying this evening?

(end scene)

Freaky Friday

The good news is the Buffs don't have long to stew about the terrible performance against the Lambs.

Nope, after the Sunday night debacle CU scurries off to Toledo (wait, what?) for a Friday night tilt against the ... uhh... Mud Hens? I think it's the Mud Hens. No?

Ah, here it is - the Toledo Rockettes. Sounds sexy! What? Oh.. the Rockets. Toldeo Rockets. Hmm.

So, anyway, the Buffs play on a Friday (really?) against the Toledo Rockets (seriously?) in Toledo (Ohio?) in a stadium called (wait for it)... The Glass Bowl.

The. GLASS. BOWL.

(Dan Hawkins bong joke goes here.)

So in this alternate universe in which we are obviously living, the reeling Buffs will play a team that scored 31 points and threw for 423 yards against a respectable Big Ten opponent in the opening week. It was Purdue, but still. Also, Toledo beat Michigan last year. Stop laughing.

So Toledo is a dangerous team. The Buffs must rebound strongly from the emotional bruising received last week. A loss at Toledo would be devastating. The abyss lies beyond. But a strong win over the Rockettes (wink) could be the salve that heals the wounds and gets this team back on track.

Tune in Friday evening for the action at the Glass Bowl (titter) and a season defining moment.

GO BUFFS!

Wait, what?

Wha?

What in the name of Buddha just happened? Where... where was the powerful offensive line and prolific rushing attack? How did CSU (CSU!) muster a deep passing attack against our D chock full of future NFL defensive backs? And who, who calls a long left sweep on 4th and inches?

If you're like me, your head is spinning and you consult a higher power on what to do now...


The other thing Bluto taught me: to be humble in victory and magnanimous in defeat. And it is in that spirit that I congratulate Steve Fairchild and the CSU football team who absolutely out-played and out-coached my Buffaloes. Respect, gentlemen, respect.

Sadly, however, Bluto's second law will certainly not be followed by the CSU fans. No, if history has taught me anything it's that those fuckwits will be insufferable pricks for the next 364 days.

But keep a stiff upper lip, Buff alums. Turn the other cheek and take solace in having attended a a superior university which has featured:

• 6 Nobel laureates
• 1 Supreme Court Justice
• 17 astronauts
• various Tony/Emmy/Oscar winners
• 1 Heisman Trophy winner
• and 1 National Championship in Football

Yes friends, let these accomplishments sustain you through these dark days. Don't be afraid to enumerate these tidbits to your CSU friends.

"These are facts that comfort me in the wake of a humiliating lose. Tell me something, Rammie. When you lose, as you so often do, what comforts you?"

Enjoy the ensuing silence.

The Fortbillies

Greetings, and welcome to 2009. The Buffs will open the campaign once again versus the Rammies of Colorado A&M. Steve Fairchild begins his second season in Fort Fun with a new quarterback and essentially an all new D.

Meanwhile, Dan Hawkins kicks off his fourth year in Boulder with something to prove. Leading the proving will be a talented and huge offensive line featuring multiple NFL bound uglies. Standing behind that line is a collection of talented running backs preparing to do unspeakable things to the CSU defense. We don't have any idea who the starting QB will be and, so says I, it does not matter. The QB needs to make good decisions this year, not carry the team. Cody Hawkins, Tyler Hansen or some combination thereof will be more than serviceable. Concerns remain about depth and talent at WR (still?) but together with the TEs, they'll keep defenses honest. Make no mistake, this is a running offense.

Meanwhile, the Buff defense will be good, quite good. We have an embarrassment of riches at both LB and CB. Defensive Line has talent but nearly all of it is unproven. If the DL pups can step up, this unit may be the best we've had in 6-7 years.

Sadly, the special teams will probably suck. Except for punting where Darrell Scott (!) will rotate with Matt DiLallo. Fake!

This year's Rocky Mountain Showdown will be held in Boulder. Wishing to be hospitable to our agrarian guests, I decided to write a song. I don't know exactly what kind of music the gomers listen to up there in Fort Collins but I'll bet it features banjos, washboards and a jug. So behold, my first (and last) country song. Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies. Ahem...

Come & listen to a story 'bout a man named Steve
Poor WAC head coach, blew his nose on his sleeve
Wanted some respect so he took on the Buffs
But old Dan Hawkins he called his bluffs

Well the next thing you know the Rams are at Folsom Field
CSU players ask, "What will this trip yield?"
Dan Hawkins said, "Boys, welcome to my house."
"We'll to treat you real kind so don't you grouse."

Dan went on to say, "Y'all I am a Zen Master"
I been recruitin' players who are bigger and faster
I'm known to smoke weed and wear a toga
And you know that everyday my players do yoga

(true)

See yoga is the route to true inner calm
Always wear sunscreen and use lip balm
I drop non sequiturs like they're goin' out of style
A quirky stoner trait that makes folks smile

Now if you don't mind, let's play some ball
Let's flip the coin, Steve you make the call
Heads you win, you get the ball first
Here's some herbal tea, it'll quench your thirst

Rams take the field and have the rock
Rookie QB hopes these dolts can block
First play from scrimmage, Jimmy Smith pick six!
Heads are spinnin', those Aggies from the sticks

Things for the Rams, they don't get better
Steve Fairchild's pants they're just getting wetter
Trot on the field, the mammoth Buff o-line
Students in the stands are smoking da 'kine

First, D Sumler makes a 20 yard gain
CSU's defense appears to be in pain
Hicks, don't look now 'cause here's Darrell Scott
Goin' off tackle on a 50 yard trot

Touchdown!

Well that's how it goes, the game is a romp
Rocky Mountain Showdown is nothin' but a stomp
What's that on their bench - is it a vulture?
Feasting on a student of the school of agriculture

Well thanks now cousins, we'll see you next year
We think your mascot is a tad bit queer
But here in Boulder we value diversity
So you can be our friend but you can't go to our University

Selective Comparisons of Dubious Validity: CU-NU

The day after Thanksgiving will once again witness the acrimonious meeting of the Buffaloes and the Cornhuskers. As the saying goes, in a rivalry game like this, throw out the record books! So how on Earth are we to handicap such a game? Why, with selective comparisons of dubious validity, of course! Shall We?

1) Coaching Staffs (Staves?): NU has first year head coach and rage-aholic Bo Pelini leading the ship. He's added emotion and a modicum of defensive competence to the Huskers team. The Buffs have 3rd year Zen master Dan Hawkins spreading the wisdom and love in Boulder. Dan's a pacifist but in an insane and unpredictable way. Bo's a hot head who you suspect is a serial killer. Advantage - Nebraska.

2) Quarterbacks: NU has strong armed Joe Gantz under center in his first full year as a starter. He's chucking the ball with authority and racking up impressive stats. Cody Hawkins has re-emerged from the bench to add spunk and shortness to the Buff offense. Joe once desecrated an ancient Egytian mummy's crypt by farmer-blowing a loogy into it. Cody's smile cures cancer. Advantage - Colorado.

3) States: Nebraska is arguably the bread-basketest of all midwestern states where hard working folk grow and harvest food for a hungry planet. Colorado boasts stunning natural beauty and economic and technological vitality that is the envy of the Mountain states region. Colorado is an international outdoor tourists destination while Nebraska is #55 on the the average American's "must see US states or territories" list. Advantage - Colorado

4) Fan Base: Nebraska fans are dedicated and knowledgeable. They sell out every home game going back to the days of Jesus. Each and every fan knows every single player on the team - their up-to-minute career stats, hometown, favorite bible passage and inseam length. Colorado fans are fickle, rarely sell out their smallish stadium, have no idea who is the team's leading receiver and are mostly high. NU fans are ugly and CU fans are gorgeous. Advantage - Colorado

So in summary, Colorado has distinct advantages in 3 of the 4 categories of comparison. Clearly CU wins in a route not unlike the Grenada invasion. I strongly suggest that you wager what's left of your 401K on the Buffs. Operators are standing by.

Bumper Stickers

The CU marketing department has been hard at work creating promotional bumper stickers for the 2008 season. Late though they may be, here are some of their gems:

2008 CU Football Come fore the excitement. Stay Anyway.

2008 CU FOOTBALL Ask us about our Aerospace Engineering program!

2008 CU FOOTBALL Even smaller than you think

2008 CU FOOTBALL Clearly High

2008 CU FOOTBALL Oh yeah, we're bringing it out

2008 CU FOOTBALL Breaking preconceptions one kick at a time

2008 CU FOOTBALL Hawkins, Hansen, Hawkins, Hansen, Hansen/Hawkins, definitely Hawkins

2008 CU FOOTBALL Check out the views!

2008 CU FOOTBALL Feel the potential!

2008 CU FOOTBALL Not technically worse than last year

2008 CU FOOTBALL The 2nd play of the 3rd series will be a reverse!

2008 CU FOOTBALL Like the opening scene from Saving Private Ryan

2008 CU FOOTBALL It's almost ski season!

2008 CU FOOTBALL Reducing our carbon footprint by driving less

2008 CU FOOTBALL Seeking not the target but to become the bow since 2006