Thursday, October 29, 2009

Quoth the Defense, "Nevermore"

Apropos it is to be playing the Missouri Tigers on Halloween. The recent Buff-Mizzou matchups have been ghastly and ghoulish. Fact: in the past 8 quarters of play against CU, Missouri has scored 113 points. One hundred and thirteen.

It's been a shit show, our defense has been helpless against the mighty Tiger offensive juggernaut. We were the French, they were the Germans. We were Grenada, they were the Marines. We were the Generals, they were the Globe Trotters. We were Charlie Brown, they were Lucy. Hopeless...

But this year is different. Gary Pinkel's Mizzou no longer has the magical Chase Daniel and the uncoverable Jeremy Macklin. In their place are the gimpy Blaine Gabbert and the fragile Denario Alexander. Furthermore, the 2009 CU defense has evolved into a snarling, nasty, mean, stubborn, swashbuckling bunch. They have been the buzz saw into which great offenses such as Texas and Kansas have unwittingly run. Buff fans in the know realize that, even through our recent losses, the D has been simply superb.

And this Saturday, that nasty Buff Defense will come to avenge the atrocities of the past two years. They will wage war upon the Tiger offense in a chilling and horrific manner. And Halloween 2009 will be a nightmare for Mizzou.

In the spirit of Halloween, I've borrowed and adapted the single greatest piece of terrifying literature of all time, "The Raven" from the brilliant Edgar Allan Poe. Enjoy.

The Defense (by Edgar Buffalover Poe)

Once upon a midday dreary, Pinkel pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of offensive lore--
While he nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As he came a gently rapping, rapping at the red-zone door.
"'T'will be a touchdown," he muttered, "tapping at the red-zone door--
Only this and nothing more."

Ah, distinctly he remembered last year in the bleak November,
And each drive he did engender wrought its way to endzone flannel.
Eagerly he wished the morrow;--vainly he had sought to borrow
From his heart surcease of sorrow--sorrow for the lost Daniel--
For the rare and radiant prince whom the angels name Daniel--
Gone forever just like my spaniel.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of his memory's curtain
Thrilled him--filled him with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of his heart, he stood repeating
"'Tis the time to be entreating entrance at the redzone door--
Naturally I'll be entreating entrance at the redzone door;
This it is and nothing more."

Presently his soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
"Sir," said he, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so now I'll come a tapping, tapping at the redzone door,
And now a pass to score against you"--here he opened wide the door--
Black shirts there and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long he stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to chance embrace;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered words, "Prince Chase?"
This he whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, "Replace!"--
Merely this and nothing more.

Downward then he flung the playbook, when, with many a scowl and gray look,
In there rushed a stately 'Backer of like saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he,
But, with mien of lord or lady, struck upon Blaine Gabbert's shore--
Lept upon the fleeing QB, just there on Blaine Gabbert's shore--
Sacked then flattened, and nothing more.

Then the 'backer quite beguiling stood above him snarling, smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance he wore,
"Though my crest be red and woolly, I," he said, "art your feared sacker,
Ghastly grim and redhead 'backer blitzing from the blind side shore--
Creamed us in the years past, truly, upon this team you'd score and score!"
Then quoth the 'backer, "Nevermore."

Then the Pinkel, standing lonely on the sideline, spat and moaned he
That one word, as if its soul in that one word he did outpour
Nothing farther need be uttered; the 'backer had his QB buttered--
Till he scarcely more than muttered: "Other friends have flown before--
On the next play we shall score, as my Hopes have flown before."
Said the Defense "Nevermore."

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
"Doubtless," said he, "what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore--
Till the dirges of his Hope that melancholy burden bore
Of 'Never--nevermore.'"

But the Defense still beguiling knocked his sad soul into smiling,
Straight he runs a QB draw now, pass fake then Blaine steps toward the fore;
One step forward and then quick sinking, bruised and dazed he lays there blinking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous D of yore--
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, mean, and ominous D of yore
Meant in shouting "Nevermore."

There Blaine sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the Safety whose fiery eyes now burned into his bosom's core;
This and more he sat divining, with his head in pain reclining
On green turf with chalky lining above him DBs gloated o'er,
But the endzones distant lining with the ball he'd not get o'er
There he'll go, ah, nevermore!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Well, look what the Cat dragged in

Recap:

The Buffs rose up in spectacular fashion Saturday to knock off undefeated, 17th ranked Kansas Jayhawks and their spectacular quarterback, Todd Reesing. The defense was fantastic - shutting down the running game, getting 6 sacks and withstanding not one but two furious red-zone rallies by the 'Hawks. On offense, new QB Tyler Hansen was fantastic in his first start of the season keeping plays alive with his feet and making great throws under pressure. Meanwhile Speedy Stewart spun and juked his way to another 100+ yard day. And let it be noted that Aric Goodman made two crucial field goals (please let the field goal dragon be slayed once and for all).

It was really a thrilling victory which instantly changed the tone of a season which began on such a sour note. Much work still to be done, but I couldn't be happier with the way the team has responded to adversity.

Onward:

Meanwhile at Kansas State, 500 year old Bill Snyder has been removed from cold storage and reanimated in an attempt to bring the K-State team back to life. It may be working. The Mildcats lit up Texas A&M last week to the tune of 62 points.

(This is where members of the McCabe family may want to stop reading)

So how does Bill Snyder do it? How did he take the losing-est program in history, located in a backwater outpost and make it into a consistent winning and indeed feared program for most of the 1990s and early 2000s? Well it has to do with a little thing called "pure evil".

The Bill Snyder success cookbook:
1) Call Satan. Sell soul. Have no soul? Sell children's souls.
2) Scour every Junior College and Correctional Institution in the country for illiterate felons with great speed and enormous size. Welcome them to your "school".
3) Schedule a non-conference line-up consisting primarily of schools with the words "north central", "community", hyphen or "orphanage" in their names.
4) Torture opponents with "Willie the Wildcat" guitar solos.
5) Somehow be the catalyst for the firing of the current coach of Texas A&M.
6) Creep people out with that expressionless face and grayish translucent skin.
7) Win 10 games a season.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Ode to a small, white quarterback


Wither the boy
Who tried the odds
And laid out valiantly

On fields of grid
Did he not trod
But rare triumphantly

And though he stood
Of stature short
And rarely reached the pylon

Fierce he did play
A brutal sport
Had he the heart of lion

Impugn him not
For most would blaze
Than muster self to bother

And appear before
the nation's gaze
And accept the blame for father

Amidst the losses
His team far down
Quitting was not discussed

Fight to the end
For a touchdown
Despite him being concussed

Gritty was he
But without strength
Sufficient over time

He could not go
The whole field length
When all was on the line


Alas the time
To bench him came
The day he had deplored

Dad should now say
We'll share the blame
Now carry a clip board

And now his fate
To wear headset
And signal the play call

To teammate who
God did beset
Fleet legs and stature tall

The lesson here
You must stand tall
Or QB life you're leasing

Unless of course
You play football
Just like you are Todd Reesing

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Hey UT, look over there at the big distracting thing!

Hey Texas, look over there! It's Oklahoma, just one week away. Oh my, the Red River Rivalry looms large. Sure, Bob Stoops' bunch has dropped 2 games already in this young season. But when these two great teams get together, you can throw out the proverbial record books! Oh Nelly, I can hardly wait.

Mack Brown, you have to treat the OU game like the National Title Game. A win in Dallas could set you on the definitive track to the second National Title of your career. Think about it! You're a wildly successful coach at Texas but still second fiddle to that dead jackass, Darrell Royal. Win the title this year and they might change the name of your stadium from "Darrell K Royal - Memorial Stadium" to "Mack Brown Stadium". The kids will probably call it something cute like "The Brown House" or "The Mack Shack". But first you gotta beat OU.

And Colt McCoy! Dude, you could win the Heisman this year. Shoot, Tebow is out with a bruised brain. Sam Bradford is sitting with a Mormon induced shoulder injury. Colt, the trophy is yours for the taking! But if you don't beat big, bad Oklahoma all bets are off. Those damned East coast voters would probably love to give the Heisman to Eric Berry just to be cute. Make a statement at the Shootout in Dallas and they can't deny your claim to the little stiff-armer.

Will Muschamp, UT Defensive coordinator. I know you're a badass and the "coach in waiting" after Mack retires but don't be comfortable. An intense dude like you has to stay hungry. And what gets your blood boiling more than the smug visage of the be-visored Bob Stoops? Oh, they call him an "offensive genius". Harumph! You'll show him a who the genius is when your squad stones his O.

UT fans! You'd better be packing the car for that roadtrip to Dallas next week. You know those Dirt Burglers from up north are massing on the border at this very moment, preparing to take over the Cotton Bowl Stadium. Represent, Horns! You've got to show up big for this neutral field game. The crowd could be the difference. Man, I'll bet you're planning a tailgate party that is destined to become the stuff of legend...

'Horns, you better be focused on the OU matchup, it's the key to the season. And make sure your players are healthy. Don't risk getting anyone injured in this week's game. The big show is next week!

Hey by the way, who do you play this week? Oh, it's just Colorado. I hear those guys suck. Lost to Toledo, coached by Dan Hawkins, quarterbacked by a midget. Those hippies are probably planning to cancel football once and for all at that school. No need to worry about those guys. CU is nothing and you, UT, are Number 2 in the country - on your way to Number 1 if you can beat the hated Sooners next week. Meanwhile, Colorado is headed to the toilet. If a team like that plays the #2 team in the country, you just know they'll fold. That is all. Goodnight. You can stop reading right here and go get some rest for that big upcoming OU game! Good luck! Bye.